- Dr. Mary Albright: For future reference: I have a red Volvo.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Please, Dr. Albright, we barely know each other.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Sally, I want you to observe her. Find out what women on this planet do.
- Sally Solomon: Well, why can't Harry do it?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Because you're the woman.
- Sally Solomon: That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Because you lost.
- Harry Solomon: Dick, I can't see through my eyelids.
- Sally Solomon: Open them.
- Harry Solomon: Oh, they're manual.
- [Sally is wearing a revealing dress]
- [sarcastically]
- Nina Campbell: Nice dress.
- Sally Solomon: I just threw it on.
- Nina Campbell: Yeah, well, you almost missed.
- [Sally is fussing with her cleavage]
- Sally Solomon: They seem to have greater power when they collide. I'm not wrong, am I?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Leon, of course it's wrong! The odds against you're being right are... staggering! You have a great advantage, you know the outcome. You will be wrong. Don't fear it, embrace your wrongness!
- Nina Campbell: Is your wife out of town?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Uh... Mrs. Solomon is no longer with us. She, uh... burned up on re-entry.
- Harry Solomon: Okay, so meat loaf is bread crumbs, spices, and ground beef?
- Mrs. Mamie Dubcek: That's it.
- Harry Solomon: And ground beef is essentially nothing more than a cow?
- Mrs. Mamie Dubcek: Yeah.
- Harry Solomon: Well, doesn't it scream when they stuff it in the grinder?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Nina, you smell great!
- Nina Campbell: Thanks, I try...
- [Dick buries his face in Nina's rear end]
- Nina Campbell: That had better be your nose!
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [Harry is holding a flashlight with the bulb end facing inwards] You know, I have an urge to hold that.
- Harry Solomon: Well, that's exactly what it's for.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: May I?
- Harry Solomon: Please.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [takes the flashlight and holds it the same way] You know I rather like this.
- Harry Solomon: Yes.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: I find this very satisfying.
- Harry Solomon: I know.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [after a pause] I wonder what Dr Albright is doing right now?
- Harry Solomon: OK, that's enough.
- [takes back flashlight]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [after seeing Mary putting on lipstick] Excuse me, I have the sudden urge to clean you.
- [kisses her passionately]
- Tommy Solomon: Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: You are a child.
- Tommy Solomon: I'm older than you.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, now I'm bigger. And on this planet, size matters.
- Dr. Mary Albright: This is a small office and you are behaving like a big hose-monkey.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: You're not so bad yourself, woman.
- [Tommy Solomon ogles Nina Campbell]
- Nina Campbell: And if you don't stop staring at whatever it is you're watching, you're going to lose something.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: How far away is Cleveland?...
- Bug: A felony. The federal courthouse is there.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Yes! Cleveland is a felonious assault away.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Our home for this mission is Earth, a third-rate planet. I got a teaching job at a third-rate university. Now we're looking for a third-floor apartment.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Is Dr. Albright in?
- Nina Campbell: No, she left early. But she'll be at Dean Sumner's party tonight.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Oh, then I'll see her there.
- [Pondering]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: How will I get there...?
- Nina Campbell: I can pick you up.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Won't that hurt your back?
- Nina Campbell: [Taken slightly aback] I'll be in a car!
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Oh, honk your horn when you come by - I love it when people honk!
- Nina Campbell: What are, from Mars?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [Scoffing] Mars? Oh, no!
- [chortling]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Maaars!