Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)
Poor (1994)
Julia Sawalha: Saffron
Quotes
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[Edina is sitting in court next to her lawyer, with Patsy, Saffron and Gran behind. They are looking up at the magistrate, who is reading out the list of charges against Edina]
Judge : ...driving without a license, driving without insurance, not wearing a seatbelt, having no tax disc displayed, driving over the legal speed limit, driving under the influence of alcohol, allowing another person to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol. In the region of £5,000 of parking fees owing, £6,000 of damage to property. Charges of assault and abuse - the charges of attempted murder and robbery have been dropped. Shoplifting...
Patsy : [to judge] My name is Patsy Stone. I'm an alcoholic, and what she did was an act of humanitarian mercy.
Judge : That is hardly a reason to steal a crate of champagne.
Eddie : Have you any idea how much champagne costs these days? I was forced to steal it. My daughter wouldn't have allowed me to buy it.
Judge : I must ask you to sit down as stop wasting the court's time. The sum of £50,000 is to be paid by you in damages, and a further fine of £2,000. You will also be liable for all cost incurred.
Eddie : [to Saffron] Well, getting rid of my chauffeur was a little bit of a falso economy, wasn't it sweetie?
Judge : ...and a lifetime ban on driving. And, finally, Mrs. Monsoon...
Eddie : Can I just say one word in my defense, um?
Saffie : I don't think that's a very good idea, Mum. Your mouth is working for the prosecution.
Eddie : Oh, darling, this is what I do well, sweetie. You might pick up a few tips for the Debating Society, you never know. Without notes, Saff.
[Gran claps]
Eddie : Thank you, thank you.
[to judge]
Eddie : Right - I, the proposed accused, think that, well, I mean, you know, well the day in question was not a good day for me, all right? But I put it to you that I don't see how any day could have been good the way this bloody country's run. Well, you know, I was just trying to do my best, trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping. I was trying to take control of my life, you know, only to find that it's actually controlled for me by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper - ignorant bloody petty rules and laws that just obstruct every tiny little action until you've committed a crime without even knowing it! I mean, you know, why can't life just be made a little easier for everybody, eh? Why can't it be more like the Continent, and then run down the street in front of charging bulls whilst letting fireworks off out of his bloody nostrils without anyone blinking an eye? Uh? Because it's probably a local holiday and nobody's at work because they all want to have just a little bit of fun and they're not intimidated by some outdated work ethic. I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe...
Judge : Is there a point to all of this?
Eddie : [explaining to the judge her problems with the law] Yes, Yes!... Why, oh why, do we pay taxes, hmmm? I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions- and BUGGERY-UGLY traffic wardens, and BOLLOCKY-pedestrian-BLOODY-crossings?... and those BASTARD railings outside shops windows, making it so difficult, so you can't even get in them! I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves! But we're not all stupid! We don't all need nurse-maiding. I mean, why not just have a Stupidity Tax? Just tax the stupid people!
Patsy : [stands up] And let them DIE!
Eddie : Yes!
Judge : Anymore of this ridiculous rant, and I'll put you both away!
Gran : Hear, hear!
Judge : Edina Margaret Rose Monsoon, I hereby sentence you to...
[Credits roll]
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Bubble : I turned on the... hmm... what-cha-ma-call-it this morning...
Saffie : Radio?
Bubble : I want to say "telephone"... That's not right... Not right...
[going through possibilities in her head]
Bubble : You look at it.
Eddie : Television!
Bubble : That's it! Good Morning Television. Hello! Which I don't normally do because I find myself falling back to sleep like that.
Patsy : Good Morning, Television? My God! If they could market that in pill form, Switzerland would be plunged into a recession.
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Eddie : [about the No Smoking cab] I hope you refused to pay him this time darling.
Patsy : It was one of your account cabs, Eds. I think you should get him fired.
Saffie : Oh, so not only do you want the man to die of passive smoking, but you also want to deny him a living of any kind.
Eddie : Passive smo- I suppose we're shortening your life, are we, darling?
Patsy : If only.
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Eddie : Just get out.
Saffie : Bye Gran.
Gran : Goodbye, dear. Ooh by the way, if you do hit hard times and there is anything you need to sell, my friend Hermione has this little shop.
Eddie : Bric n' Brac 'n' Knick 'n' Knack - any old things. Any old junk taken. Why don't you trade yourself in? Get out, go.
Gran : She'd give you a very good price, dear.
Eddie : Oh, just leave!
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Eddie : [about the Nicotine patches on Patsy's back] They're actually, most of these seem alright darling. They're leaching something out of your skin rather than the other way around.
Saffie : She's probably recharging them.
Patsy : Careful Eddie. Don't rip so hard.
Saffie : Yes, be careful. At her age the flesh slides off the bone like a well-cooked chicken.
Eddie : For your information, there are some people who'd pay a lot of money for Patsy's body.
Saffie : Morticians. How much do you think you'd get for a ready-embalmed carcass? No wonder she's always been refused a donor card.
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Eddie : [to Saffy] Whose side are you on? Do you want us to be poor?
Patsy : You'll be poor...?
Saffie : That's got you worried.
Patsy : Eddie, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this. Now, listen, sweetie, it is not alimony, it is compensation.
Saffie : For what?
Eddie : It's damages, sweetie, for those long crippling hours of painful labour I went through on your behalf.
Saffie : You had a Caesarean.
Eddie : Yes, I know I had a Caesarean, darling but... how do you think it feels to wake up every morning and look down and see your stomach still smiling back up at her, hmm? You can't put a price on that!
