- Gloria Stivic: Robin's burning incense. I think it smells nice.
- Archie Bunker: It smells like a house of Ill Refute.
- Paul Goodrow: You see Robin and I took our vows too.
- Archie Bunker: Tell him if they didn't take them in church, then God didn't hear them. He ain't married in the eyes of God.
- Paul Goodrow: But wouldn't Mr. Bunker agree that God is everywhere?
- Archie Bunker: Tell him He certainly is.
- Paul Goodrow: Then He was was there when we took our sacred vows.
- Archie Bunker: BUT HE WASN'T LISTENING NOT WITHOUT THE LICENSE.
- Archie Bunker: When your mother-in-law and me was goin' around together, it was two years - we never - I never - I mean absolutely nothin', not 'til the wedding night.
- Edith Bunker: Yeah, and even then...
- Archie Bunker: [after being sung awake] I musta died and gone to the wrong place. 'Cause yas all sure sound like hell.
- Archie Bunker: Well in the words of Harry S. Truman, if it's too hot in the kitchen, stay away from the cook.
- Jeff Walker: Hey, what's happenin', Man?
- Archie: I'm having a stroke.
- Jeff Walker: Far out. I can dig it.
- Mike Stivic: You got a hang-up about sex.
- Archie: I ain't got a hang-up about... That.
- Mike Stivic: See, you can't even say it.
- Archie: I don't use four letter words in front of women, ya dope.
- Gloria: Daddy, you shouldn't be afraid of sex.
- Archie: Listen, little girl, if I was a afraid of it, you wouldn't be here. Right, Edith?
- Archie: [after Edith's sitting there looking puzzled] Well, Edith... .
- Edith Bunker: I'm trying to remember.
- Mike Stivic: And for your further edification, calling me a Polack is not gonna bother me. I happen to be very proud of my Polish heritage.
- Archie Bunker: What heritage? You come from a long line of bowling teams.
- Mike Stivic: Yeah? And you come from a long line of boneheads! You think with your mind closed!
- Archie Bunker: And you eat with your mouth open!
- Mike Stivic: [Flummoxed] You know you are totally incomprehensible?
- Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.
- Edith Bunker: Are you looking for something, Archie?
- Archie Bunker: [Looking through junk drawer] No, Edith, I'm taking a walk down Memory Lane!
- Mike Stivic: So you decide what's moral!
- Archie Bunker: No, wise guy, THAT does!
- [Pointing]
- Gloria Stivic: The television set?
- Archie Bunker: No, not the television set - the Bible! Edith, why do you leave the Bible on top of the television?
- Edith Bunker: Because it keeps falling off the refrigerator.
- Archie Bunker: That "Love" may go in some places, but not here - this is a CHRISTIAN house!
- [to Mike's friends]
- Archie Bunker: GET OUT!