American Dad! (TV Series)

A Smith in the Hand (2005)

Scott Grimes: Steve Smith

Quotes 

• Stanley Smith : [to Steve]  So, what do you need to know?

  Steve Smith : Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.

  Stanley Smith : Well, you don't have to worry about it, because you're not having it.

  Steve Smith : Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know...

  Stanley Smith : You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.

  Steve Smith : Well, I guess not, but...

  Stanley Smith : See, if l tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact: an ugly, moist fact squatting on your brain like an octopus, and you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?

  Steve Smith : No.

  Stanley Smith : And that's where babies come from.

• Steve Smith : Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid and I still have some questions about sex.

  Stanley Smith : Absolutely, son. Let's talk in private.

  Francine Smith : Stan, do you want me to come with you?

  Stanley Smith : No. This is a father's job. Besides, sons have complex relationships with their mothers, especially if they're as beautiful and sexy as my mother.

• Steve Smith : Dad! There you are.

  Stanley Smith : [nervously]  Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

  Steve Smith : Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.

  Stanley Smith : [laughs]  Well said, soldier.

• Steve Smith : I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.

  Francine Smith : Oh, now, why would you say that?

  Steve Smith : Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.

  Francine Smith : Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work or mow the lawn or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.

  Steve Smith : Hey, maybe until Dad gets better, I can clean the gutters.

  Francine Smith : That's creepy, honey.

• Steve Smith : So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?

  Stanley Smith : That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.

• Francine Smith : [to Stan]  Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago, you got some lousy advice about sex that screwed you up, but I cannot let you do the same thing to our son.

  Stanley Smith : I'm not screwing him up.

  Steve Smith : Yeah, Mom. I know my body is filthy.

  Francine Smith : No, it's not. Steve, urges are natural and it's healthy to explore them.

  Stanley Smith : Francine, no!

  Francine Smith : Because if you don't explore them, you'll repress them. Then one day, when you do discover them, you'll reject your wife, hurt your son and try to take down TV!