- Barney Fife: We gotta get some guy that's not been around too much. You know, really naive. Some guy with not too much upstairs. In other words, a real dope!
- Gomer Pyle: [Gomer enters] Hey, Andy! Hey, Barney!
- Barney Fife: A man spends money gettin' his suit spotted and pressed, takes two hours polishing his hat and for what? Heartaches!
- Andy Taylor: [examing Gomer's purchases] Let's see. New socks...
- Gomer Pyle: You don't think they're too porous, do you?
- Andy Taylor: Huh?
- Gomer Pyle: I'd hate for my leg hairs to poke through!
- Mary Grace Gossage: Tall, dark, and...
- Thelma Lou: [in unison with Helen]
- Thelma Lou, Helen Crump: Door prize!
- Barney Fife: I ain't gonna stand in no stag line with Old Man Perkins and a bunch of slumped-over teenagers!