- Capt. Barney Miller: Draw Mr. Ditka some 30 caliber ammunition.
- Emil Ditka: What for?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we could use the extra firepower, Mr. Ditka. That's an ambush. They want to kill police officers. A wonderful opportunity.
- Emil Ditka: Oh, well now wait a minute. We've only been on maneuvers a couple of times...
- Capt. Barney Miller: What? Practical experience is the best experience, you're gonna love it.
- Emil Ditka: Wait! I don't know if I can get the guys together. Larry's a fry cook, he doesn't get off till 4:30.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Come alone.
- Emil Ditka: No! No, not me. I never shot nobody in my life. You see, we just use silhouettes, cans, birds...
- Detective Kelly: Birds? You shoot little birds?
- Emil Ditka: Well yeah-but we really don't shoot to kill...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Here's your opportunity, 'c'mon!
- Emil Ditka: No, no you can't make me go! You can't make me shoot anybody.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I thought that's what you wanted.
- Emil Ditka: ...You're crazy! You cops are crazy!... no wonder people don't like you.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay Mr. Ditka, it's a wonderful opportunity; you blew it.
- Emil Ditka: Blood-thirsty devils!
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah. I just wish I been there
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh yeah, I forgot, you were a Marine
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's wrong with that ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Marine don't smile man. They got these cold blue eyes, and they always look straight ahead, and they got jaws a foot wide, like that.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I guess we approach things differently, psychologically speaking.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey man, you weren't the only dude in the service.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Ah, That's right .You see that, you forgot. Harris was in the Coast Guard for two years.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh, the legal department, wasn't it ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah. You think that wasn't rough ? !
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I just like to know how we're gonna find them now.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't worry about it. They'll call us
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: How were gonna know it's them
- Capt. Barney Miller: You won't till you get there
- Detective Kelly: Well, here I am back home again at the United Nations. "Bony Diaz" , Chano
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah. Yeah. How you doin' Kelly?
- Detective Kelly: Ah, Benny, Benny. How are things up in your neighborhood
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh, much better, now that we're moving to Central Park West
- Detective Kelly: Central Park West ? That's a pretty rich neighborhood? How can your people do that ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: It's a community thing, it's called revolution
- Detective Kelly: Your putting me on !
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Only for a while
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hello, there, Kelly, to what do we owe this pleasure?
- Detective Kelly: Detective Third Grade Eugene Kelly, reporting for duty. I've been assigned to your squad
- Capt. Barney Miller: What for ?
- Detective Kelly: Manhattan South said you were short handed, so they sent me over. The department likes to keep a guy like me moving around
- Capt. Barney Miller: I can understand that.
- Detective Kelly: Only I, uh, I don't like replacing a guy who just bought the farm
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yemana hasn't bought anything more serious than a week on his stomach. Relax. That's his desk over here.
- Detective Kelly: Oh, hey Barney, do I got to use his desk ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: He won't mind.
- Detective Kelly: Hey, Fish, what happened to Yemana ? Was he cleaning his gun or something ?
- Det. Phil Fish: He was ambushed ?
- Detective Kelly: Ambushed ? Just because he's a Japanese ? Boy, some guys always are trying to get even.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Just some guy who don't like cops.
- Detective Kelly: You know, there's more and more of that. You know, people use to like cops. Back in the old days, we use to be George Murphy, Phil Regan, Pat O'Brien. Nowadays, we're Al Pacino, Richard Roundtree. No wonder, we're getting ambushed
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'd be bored without the challenges. Without the pressures. Without the problems Ah, not for me. Maybe when I retire. So they asked me to recommend someone else .
- Det. Phil Fish: Is it someone in this room ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were the most experienced officer I knew .
- Det. Phil Fish: Did you told them how old I was ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were extremely mature
- Det. Phil Fish: So you lied.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were facing enforced retirement and it would be shameful waste of a valuable piece of manpower
- Det. Phil Fish: Florida, huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look, think about it. It'd be the perfect job for you
- Det. Phil Fish: Don't you think I would be bored ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Boredom is a state of mind.
- Det. Phil Fish: Well... it's better than doing nothing at all. May not be such a bad idea.
- Emil Ditka: I was up on my own roof, ramming my own cleaning rod, through my own rifle barrel. Suppose to be something wrong about that ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, excuse me, uh, this is Emil Ditka. We found him up on a roof with that rifle . It hadn't been fired yet.
- Emil Ditka: Not yet?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Were you, uh, planning on firing this Mr. Ditka ?
- Emil Ditka: If the need arises and the opportunity presents itself. Que sera , sera, right ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I assume this is registered with the police department ?
- Emil Ditka: Yes, its registered.
- Detective Kelly: Check it out Kelly ?
- Detective Kelly: Yeah, right away Captain.
- Emil Ditka: When do I get my piece back ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: As soon as it's checked out
- Emil Ditka: When do I talk to my lawyer ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There's no need to call a lawyer, Mr. Ditka. Your not being charged with a crime.
- Emil Ditka: Oh, don't give me that. Members of my group have been hassled before.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What group would that be ?
- Emil Ditka: The Staten Island Shoot Club and Personal Armament League
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm not, uh, familiar with that group?
- Emil Ditka: Well, you will be and when you need us, we'll be there.
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's good to know we have support in some quarters
- Det. Phil Fish: Wonderful
- Emil Ditka: Of course, you got support. You think, the league don't know what you guys are going through? You got friends out there. See, we keep a low profile for security reasons.
- Capt. Barney Miller: How many, uh , members are there in your league ?
- Emil Ditka: So far ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Round figures ?
- Emil Ditka: Let's see, uh... there's me and Charlie and Larry and a new guy Sid something
- Det. Phil Fish: Are you going to do that all day ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You take care of your body , it will take care of you
- Det. Phil Fish: The way I figure at this point, we don't owe each other anything
- Officer Kogan: Morning mail
- Det. Phil Fish: Almost 5 pm
- Officer Kogan: It came early today
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Great, eight hours later, it will be morning mail again
- Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Their interested. I told them I'd think about it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good .
- Det. Phil Fish: Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: The old chief passed away.
- Det. Phil Fish: He died of boredom... . He was sitting behind a desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him
- Det. Phil Fish: Life is a gamble at best wherever you are
- Det. Phil Fish: I don't know Barney, I think I'd miss all this: the excitement, the challenge. A man has to have something to keep him out of the house
- Det. Phil Fish: I don't want a dog Bernice, we just got the couch covered... What do you need company for, you're not a young woman anymore.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, hold on a second. I don't believe it, that's Florida again.
- Capt. Barney Miller: For me or for Fish ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's for Kelly
- Detective Kelly: Well.. you see Barney, yesterday, I put out a few feelers. Can I take it in your office, Barney?
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's what it's for ?
- Detective Kelly: Give me your phone number ?... Yeah... And the address ? Okay, we'll send somebody right over. Thank you. We got a Burglary on 17th Street. Some broad got her apartment rifled.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey. That could be another set-up. Come on Kelly.
- Detective Kelly: Uh. Wh-what do mean, "Come on Kelly ?". I just got here . I'm still unpacking. I'm trying to get acclimatized, you know ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, come on, Harris and Chano had their shot, it's our turn ?
- Detective Kelly: Yeah, well listen,I don't want to muscle in on another guy's collar.
- Det. Phil Fish: I'll go
- Detective Kelly: Yeah, yeah, sure, go . You got seniority
- Capt. Barney Miller: You'd better verify that call
- Detective Kelly: Yeah, yeah, good idea, Fish, why don't you verify that call ?
- [turns to Wojo]
- Detective Kelly: I mean, come on, will you, hey ? That's a rookie trick, muscle in on another guy's collar. Back in the old days, cops didn't do things like that.
- Det. Phil Fish: Hello ? Madam ? This is Detective Fish at the Twelfth Precinct. Did you just place a call to report a burglary in your apartment ? We'll send someone right over. You did ? Thank you. We're glad to hear about that . We'll send someone right over ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Legitimate ?
- Det. Phil Fish: She lost everything.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hold it. Wojo, take Kelly with you.
- Detective Kelly: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I'm glad to go. You don't want to walk into an ambush. You got a pad ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I got a pad.
- Detective Kelly: All right, let's mount up
- Capt. Barney Miller: Keep your eyes open , you hear ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, don't worry.
- Detective Kelly: Over hill, over dale, and .. hey, one , two. Your old army bunkmate -- always keeps you company, never gets pregnant
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Where did you find him ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Mr. Ditka was up on a roof, across from the apartment building that got ripped off
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh yeah. Mr.Ditka, What are you doing up on a roof cleaning your rifle ? Why don't you clean your rifle in your apartment.
- Emil Ditka: I like to in full view of the local youth. Just another way of saying "Emil Ditka got a gun".
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Twelfth Precinct, Detective Sergeant Amenguale speaking... W-would you repeat that please?... Yes, yes, I'm writing it down. Uh-huh very good, thank you. We should be there between ten to fifteen minutes. Thank you very much, goodbye. Barney, I swear to you that is the same guy who called me yesterday
- Det. Ron Harris: Here we go round two
- Capt. Barney Miller: This time we're all going. Wojo, draw some weapons. Meet you downstairs.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, Captain
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, better get your excitement while you can.
- Detective Kelly: Checks out, Barney. It's registered, all right.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, give it back to him. Wait... Draw Mr. Ditka some 38 caliber ammunition.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Mr Ditka, Mr. Ditka. We're not pressing charges, we're merely conducting an investigation
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I'd tell you. if nobody want that job, maybe I'll take it. I mean, if nobody appreciates the job we're doing what's the point of hangin' around.
- Capt. Barney Miller: If you didn't expect so much, you wouldn't be so disappointed.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, I don't expect so much. All I would like is somebody to say thank you, just once in a while.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Once in a while, someone says thank you
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I haven't heard it. You kidding... I got the garbage but not the flowers
- Capt. Barney Miller: You've never heard of Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Whose Mrs .Lorraine Kirkland ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland, happens to love the police. I got a letter here from her, that I've been holding off, because I figured there would be a time when you would need a little morale booster. Okay, listen. To the men of the twelfth precinct. I am a widow 72 years of age. Two weeks ago, my apartment was burglarized and the gentlemen who were assigned to the case were courteous, efficient, and very concerned. Short time later the burglar was caught and my most precious personal mementos were returned. Thank God, there are men like you protecting people like me. Bless you all and thank you. Sincerely Yours Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland
- Det. Ron Harris: When did we get that ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: June 14, 1959
- Det. Ron Harris: That was 16 years ago
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah. So she either 88, or we're alone again