- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Got it -- A private psychiatric hospital on eight. Three patients escaped
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wonderful -- All right, Wojo , you and uh...
- Det. Ron Harris: I'll go with him Barney. I'm bored
- Capt. Barney Miller: I hope this proves entertaining enough for you
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Let's go Harris.
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, right. You know, as a matter of fact, I feel restricted by this whole continent. I think, what I got to do -- I got... I got to go abroad
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You got to get one.
- Det. Ron Harris: How provincial !
- Officer Carl Levitt: Afternoon gentlemen, I have for you here the latest interdepartmental bulletins, communiques, memos... Oh, sir . I would like to take this opportunity to be the first to wish you and the men, a very...
- Inspector Frank Luger: Happy Thanksgiving ! Everybody !
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sir, I...
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's all right. You were first...
- Officer Carl Levitt: Thank you, sir !
- Inspector Frank Luger: Happy Thanksgiving, Dietrich.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Thank you, Inspector
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, now you're supposed to wish me the same--That is, if you got any breeding.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Of course, Inspector. It's just that, I have never been a strict adherent of the custom I'm an agnostic. Hence the uncertainty about who to thank specifically
- Inspector Frank Luger: Well, maybe, you wouldn't have that trouble if Gerry Ford was still in the White House. I didn't vote for Mr. Peanut, so don't go taking it out on me, Dietrich
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: No
- Inspector Frank Luger: I mean, saying "Happy Thanksgiving" is just the same as you saying "Hey, Good Morning !" or "Hi, Buddy"
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's true
- Det. Ron Harris: Barney, this is Doctor Engels, he is the head shrink at the hospital
- Capt. Barney Miller: Harris
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh... Hey, Barn. That's the way he refers to himself... huh!
- Dr. Engels: Well, in an atmosphere such as ours, it helps to relax the patients. You see, humor is useful in treating neurosis, all kinds of neurosis as is medicine, as in environment...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: And Barn, this is Nurse Krewson and Mr. Brewer, they were on duty when the patient escaped.
- Dr. Engels: Don't say escaped... not escaped... say "wondered off", after all we're not a prison or anything like that.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Three of them "wondered off" after locking these two in the closet.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You weren't hurt, were you ?
- Kenny Brewer: They never touched us. We were all ready in there
- Nurse Krewson: We were checking the inventory. They locked us in the closet
- Capt. Barney Miller: I see. Harris, you want to get a statement from Miss Krewson and... uh, Mr. Brewer
- Det. Ron Harris: All right, Miss Krewson, come on...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Doctor, if you'll have a seat over here.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Barney, I think I'll be going
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah...
- Inspector Frank Luger: Downstairs... just for a minute, I want to wish the uniforms a happy and active Thanksgiving. Just wanted you to know where I'll be in cin case you change your mind...
- Dr. Engels: It's your responsibility as a professional nurse !
- Nurse Krewson: I can not be everywhere at once, Doctor Engels !
- Dr. Engels: Everywhere no, somewhere yes ! I presume, you can be somewhere at once, Miss Krewson.
- Nurse Krewson: There are not enough nurses for god sakes. Are there enough nurses ?
- Paul Powell: I don't care what anybody says, it's healthier to live without clothing!
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You're right. Studies have shown that, as a group, nudists are less frustrated than people who wear clothes. Their blood pressure is lower and, in general, their outlook is much better.
- Paul Powell: Then why do you wear clothing?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Gotta wear a badge.
- Ed Gerrity: Hey, when can I get out of here ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: There will be no determination, Mr Garrity till your brother-in-law comes down and makes a statement.