- Inspector Frank Luger: Sure, what can I do for you?
- Inspector Frank Luger: I've been offered this job with the parole board Barney and I've kind of been debating in my mind as to whether I should take it or not
- Capt. Barney Miller: Parole Board, you should be flattered by the offer.
- Inspector Frank Luger: I am... I am Barney. All them important cases to discuss, you know, and evaluating the pros and the cons... Pardon the pun. All them people in jail, filing their petitions to get out again, you know to join us in the society. Then I guess, I got to take it. I mean, someone's got to keep them vermin behind bars. What do you think ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I think we need you right here Inspector. Oh yeah, the more I think about it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I mean Fish, I hope whatever you got isn't serious
- Det. Phil Fish: Of course it's serious. Everything that happens to you immediately following the age of puberty is serious.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Really ?
- Det. Phil Fish: You'll find out when you get there.
- Harold Polanski: You know, I happen to have a brother, he owns a machine shop in Huntington, Long Island, Polanski Foundry and Ironworks. He's making money hand over fist. You think he'd help me, forget it. He'd help anyone in the world except me, right... right.
- Detective Mike Lovatelli: That makes it a genuine forgery.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, its okay by me, as long he's writing his own name he's not writing somebody else's.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey Harris, how many of those checks you got ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Thirteen, totaling 374 dollars and 30 ents
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Why would a guy pass out that much paper for so little cash ?
- Det. Ron Harris: He's crooked but not greedy ? Hey, uh, Does this look like the same dude to you?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I don't know, checks are not my speciality, bills are more my line.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Raincoat and British Walkers -- You really mean business today.
- Elizabeth Miller: Yes, I'm on a new case. Social Services called this morning. Now, in case I don't get home, this is David's piano teacher
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, Okay, Where are they sending you today ?
- Elizabeth Miller: South Bronx.
- Capt. Barney Miller: South Bronx, that's a rough area
- Elizabeth Miller: The Rockefellers in East Hampton don't need me.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Have you checked?
- Elizabeth Miller: No, snap judgement.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What kind of case do you got ?
- Elizabeth Miller: It's a mother whose son got of prison.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ex-convict.
- Elizabeth Miller: Oh, Barney !
- Elizabeth Miller: And he can't get a job, and she has two other sons, both involved in street gangs, and both drop-outs, and the husband drinks
- Capt. Barney Miller: Couldn't they give you something easy once in a while, like an unwed mother?
- Elizabeth Miller: They save the biggies for the best.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wonderful .The South Bronx, that's no picnic there. Gang wars, Arson.
- Elizabeth Miller: Well, I admit that I'm a little nervous. But, it's a challenge. I mean, I know it's dangerous, but it's stimulating all at the same time. My blood pressure hasn't been this high in years.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thanks !
- Elizabeth Miller: Oh. I mean in the day time.
- Elizabeth Miller: You know, you kiss good for a social worker.
- Elizabeth Miller: Oh, T'anks, T'anks. My field supervisor will be very pleased.She asked me, if I had good relations with the police.
- Elizabeth Miller: What did you tell her ?
- Elizabeth Miller: I said,whenever I could.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, give me a call, when you get up there ?
- Elizabeth Miller: Oh, Barney, it's not necessary. I will be perfectly all right.
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right. Okay. Okay.
- Elizabeth Miller: Goodbye
- Elizabeth Miller: Give me a call anyway ?
- Elizabeth Miller: Uh, Barney ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Man, this dude has checks from banks in 32 states including Hawaii
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh yeah ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Look at this, the blank checks match the checks that he cashed
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Well, looks like we got you Mr. Polanski.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey Harris.
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Fingerprints check out
- Det. Ron Harris: Beautiful
- Harold Polanski: Yeah. We had to take some new pictures. You gained some weight since the last one, Eh? Mr. Polanski
- Harold Polanski: It's guilt. It makes you eat like a pig. I used to be taller too.
- Harold Polanski: Hey Harris, how many of those checks you got ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Thirteen, totaling 374 dollars and 30 ents
- Harold Polanski: Why would a guy pass out that much paper for so little cash ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: He's crooked but not greedy ? Hey, uh, Does this look like the same dude to you?
- Harold Polanski: I don't know, checks are not my speciality, bills are more my line.
- Det. Phil Fish: Maybe I am losing my memory.
- Detective Mike Lovatelli: You are getting older, Fish. The memory's the first to go.
- Det. Phil Fish: Not according to Bernice.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Peculiarities ?
- Nathan Levine: I sleep in the nude
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He sleeps in the nude.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Is that what you want to know ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I was just trying to do my job
- Det. Ron Harris: Bingo, we got a make on that paper hanger. It's Harold Polanski, and I got three possible addresses. Let's go.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I tell you, I don't know how they get away with it.
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh man, most people are very poor judges of character
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, well, it really burns me up. Any time I want to cash a check, nobody want to take it.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey man, I mean, look at you..
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, I mean, you wear dishonest clothes. I never had no trouble.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: You know, your right, most people are poor judges of character
- Inspector Frank Luger: Okay, Wojciehowicz. That's the way you want it. You know, sometimes, a man can use a friend among the higher-ups in this little New York City Department of ours. See you around men.
- Harold Polanski: What is that, something new? It's the story of my life... .They sit up there laughing at me. The Break-Givers, The Gods of Men. Nothing for you today Polanski. We got a load of no luck for you again.
- Capt. Barney Miller: See... you got priorities, your more selective about your memories, you remember that are important to you.
- Inspector Frank Luger: John Hancock ? Was he... was he with the Giants.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, he was one of the original Yankees
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah..yeah..Utility In-fielder right ?