Batman (TV Series)

Fine Feathered Finks (1966)

Adam West: Batman, Bruce Wayne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dick Grayson : Oh, heck! What's the use of learning French anyway?

  Bruce Wayne : Dick, I am surprised at you. Language is the key to world peace. If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever.

  Dick Grayson : Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get these darn verbs if they kill me.

• Commissioner Gordon : [watching a surveillance tape of the Penguin on the eve of his release from prison]  Any thoughts, Batman?

  Batman : On the whole, I think we'd better discard my theory about the Penguin's going straight.

• Batman : I've long been a deep admirer of your fine work in reforming criminals.

  Warden Crichton : Well, we've had our little victories... our little failures, too, alas.

  Batman : How would you rate the Penguin?

  Warden Crichton : I'll let you judge that for yourself, Batman, indeed.

  Batman : Judge for myself?

  Warden Crichton : By means of videotape. It's one of my new progressive policies, you see. Before, uh, releasing a felon, I assign them to a special cell into which is built a secret television camera. It enables us to study the extent to which he's reformed, if any.

  Commissioner Gordon : Warden, you didn't forget the tape?

  Warden Crichton : I took the liberty of leaving it at your communications center when I arrived. They're waiting for your signal, Commissioner Gordon.

• Commissioner Gordon : There are three new umbrella factories. None of them, unfortunately, in the name of Penguin. It's a dead end.

  Robin : Could he be using an alias?

  Batman : Good thinking, Robin. Chief, read me the names on those umbrella-factory licenses.

  Chief O'Hara : Here's R.L. Howard. K.G. Bird. Sherlock...

  Batman : Bird?

  Robin : K.G. Bird... cagey bird! The Penguin, get it?

  Commissioner Gordon : Get it? Why, it's practically transparent.

• Batman : Strange. The umbrellas all went mad, creating the perfect cover for a holdup, and yet there was no holdup, right?

  Commissioner Gordon : Right as rain, Batman. The Penguin had everything set up and then didn't strike.

  Robin : The old one-two.

  Commissioner Gordon : Beg pardon, Boy Wonder?

  Robin : [pantomiming throwing punches]  Bam! A feint at the jewelry store to set us up for the real knockout later on... Zowie!

  Batman : Robin could be right... then again, I wonder if this whole affair might just have been a harmless practical joke.

  Commissioner Gordon : A joke, Batman?

  Batman : I have great faith in our prison system, Commissioner. Perhaps the Penguin's spell up the river has made him reform.

  Chief O'Hara : [scoffing snicker]  You're dreamin', Batman. It'll be a sad day for corkscrews when that crooked bird goes straight.

  Batman : Still, I'd like to know what his state of mind was when he left prison.

  Commissioner Gordon : [picking up a phone receiver]  Bonnie, send in Warden Crichton, will you?

  Batman : Warden Crichton? Of the state prison? Here?

  Commissioner Gordon : I anticipated your question, Batman. I had had rushed down here by helicopter.

• Batman : The important thing is to get on the Penguin's trail fast.

  Chief O'Hara : I'll put out a 4-points bulletin.

  Batman : Wait, I've got a better idea.

  Commissioner Gordon : Yes?

  Batman : The Penguin told us on that secret tape whatever his dazzling plot is, it involves umbrellas.

  Robin : So he'll need a front.

  Batman : Right. Quickly, Commissioner. Send for the city records. Let's find out if anyone's opened an umbrella factory in the last three days.

• Bruce Wayne : Yes, Commissioner?

  Commissioner Gordon : Brace yourself for a shock. It's the Penguin.

  Bruce Wayne : We'll be right there.

• The Penguin : Good day, sir. Can I help you, sir?

  Bruce Wayne : I hope so, Mr. Bird.

  The Penguin : Mm-hmm.

  Bruce Wayne : I'm looking for an artisan to repair this fine old umbrella. It belonged to my late father.

  The Penguin : [inspecting it]  Ah, it's quality goods. I can tell at a glance. Just let me study it for a moment, please.

  Bruce Wayne : Oh, please, by all means.

  The Penguin : Yes.

  [as Bruce tries to plant an electronic bug, an alarm goes off] 

  The Penguin : [trapping him in a net]  Well, it's fortunate that I equipped my shop with an automatic anti-bugging machine!

  [he sprays knockout gas in Bruce's face] 

  Sparrow : Who is he, boss?

  The Penguin : I have no idea. Some rival umbrella king, perhaps, trying to steal my precious secrets. It's a clear case of industrial espionage. Why, the wretched, blundering fool! This. Enh!

  [smashing the bug] 

  The Penguin : But whoever he is, one thing is certain: I can't afford to have him snooping around here today, today of all days, when I'm about to deal Batman his greatest blow.

  Hawkeye : The river, boss?

  The Penguin : No, no. The furnace. The tempering furnace, where we forge the umbrella ribs. Take him away, my fine feathered finks, and arrange a fatal accident... without witnesses.

• Batman : What's the plot, Penguin?

  The Penguin : Ah! The Dynamic Duo! Such distinguished customers! May I show you my humble wares?

  Batman : We're not here to buy umbrellas and you know it.

  Robin : Spread your wings, Mr. K.G. Bird. We're flying you down to headquarters.

  The Penguin : On what charge, Boy Wonder?

  Robin : Illegal umbrellas!

  Batman : Assault and battery, disturbing the peace. We've got enough to put you back on ice, Penguin.

  The Penguin : Oh, tut, tut, Batman. I only *make* the umbrellas. What they do after they leave here is hardly my affair, now, is it?

  Batman : [turning to speak with Robin privately]  A tricky little creature. He's right.

  Robin : Darn it, not a thing to hold him on.

  Batman : Yet.

  The Penguin : Beg your pardon? Were you saying something?

  Batman : You've outsmarted us this time, Penguin, but don't get too confident. We know you're up to some super crime and we're going to watch you.