Black Books (TV Series)

Cooking the Books (2000)

Bill Bailey: Manny

Photos 

Quotes 

• [having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm"] 

  Manny : Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.

• [having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm", after being punched by a skinhead] 

  Manny : Add a dab of lavender to milk; leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

• [after Manny has swallowed "The Little Book Of Calm"] 

  Doctor : Well, it's bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Bianco. 'The Little Book of Calm' has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.

  Manny : Oh my God!

  Doctor : No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows?

  Manny : Oh my God!

  Doctor : Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain...

  Manny : [interrupting]  Oh my God! Oh, sorry.

  Doctor : ...during that time.

  Manny : Oh my God!

  [the Doctor's beeper goes] 

  Doctor : Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says,

  [holding the X-Ray up to the light] 

  Doctor : 'whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island'.

• Manny : I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness.

  Manny : I could do your accounts.

  Bernard : What?

  Manny : I'm an accountant. I was. It's the least I could do

  Bernard : You mean you could do more?

  Manny : Yeah.

  Bernard : Could I have a glass of wine?

  Manny : OK.

  Bernard : And a ham sandwich?

  Manny : If you like.

  Bernard : With pickle?

• Manny : I've swallowed the Little Book of Calm.

• [to his previous boss in an accounting firm] 

  Manny : Should I be doing something? Do you need the Gleeson accounts? I have them on disk, I would have emailed them, but there was a lot of... clink on the... stuffer expander. And the plug went in some Tizer.

• Manny : [while assimilating the Little Book of Calm]  When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate. Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.

• [to a pregnant woman in labour, having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm"] 

  Manny : When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.

• Manny : Now, picture the ocean... AGH! AAGH! Oh, oh, a calm ocean!

• Doctor : How do you feel by the way?

  Manny : Add a drop of lavender to your bath,and soon,you'll soak yourself calm!

• Manny : [frenetically buying the Little Book of Calm]  Sorry! I hate my job!