Black Books (TV Series)

Cooking the Books (2000)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rich Guy : Those books. How much?

  Bernard : Hmmm?

  Rich Guy : Those books. The leather-bound ones.

  Bernard : Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.

  Rich Guy : Are they real leather?

  Bernard : They're real Dickens.

  Rich Guy : I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.

  [Bernard looks confused] 

  Rich Guy : Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.

  Bernard : Two hundred what?

  Rich Guy : Two hundred pounds.

  Bernard : Are they leather-bound pounds?

  Rich Guy : No.

  Bernard : Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.

• Bernard : [to a cluster of skinheads]  Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right. This is you, okay?

  [prances about] 

  Bernard : Tra-la-la!

  [stops] 

  Bernard : Millwall! That's the one! Do you know this chant? 'Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... '

  [three men punch him in the face at once] 

• Bernard : [speaking through a megaphone]  Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out! Time to go home, come on!

  Old Woman : But it's only quarter to three!

  Bernard : Yes, but it's my shop.

  [now shooing them out with a broom] 

  Bernard : Come on, go home, bye bye, get out...

  Old Woman : That's hardly fair!

  Bernard : It isn't fair at all. Get out!

  Rich Guy : I expect better service!

  Bernard : Well, expect away. Goodbye! Come on, all you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets. Thank you!

  [slams door] 

• Jehovah's Witness : Hello. We're wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.

  Bernard : [pause]  Great! Come in!

  Jehovah's Witness : What?

  Bernard : I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to now?

  Jehovah's Witness : It's a trap!

• [Whilst vainly trying to fill in his tax return form] 

  Bernard : If you live in a council flat... next to a river... but are not blind... WHAT?

• Nick Voleur : Now Bernard. About this new filing system you were telling me about.

  Bernard : Ah yes well

  [reaches into pocket and takes out handful of receipts] 

  Bernard : This is March to... boobelyboo

  [takes out more receipts] 

  Bernard : this is err... misc

  [takes out more receipts] 

  Bernard : and this is... other.

  Nick Voleur : Bernard. This new filing system. It's very closely modeled on the old one isn't it?

  Bernard : Well Nick I'd actually go further than that. I'd say it was more or less exactly... the same...

• Bernard : Half ten? Half ten? I've never been up at half ten! What happens?

• Fran : Finished with your accounts?

  Bernard : Yes. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

• Manny : I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness.

  Manny : I could do your accounts.

  Bernard : What?

  Manny : I'm an accountant. I was. It's the least I could do

  Bernard : You mean you could do more?

  Manny : Yeah.

  Bernard : Could I have a glass of wine?

  Manny : OK.

  Bernard : And a ham sandwich?

  Manny : If you like.

  Bernard : With pickle?

• Bernard : [customer buying book, hands it to Bernard]  Oh, we've got a special offer on this one.

  Customer : Really?

  Bernard : Yeah, it's free if you break my legs.

  Customer : [pauses]  Fair enough

  Bernard : GREAT! I'll get the hobbling post, there!

  [Waits for the customer to respond] 

  Customer : Wait, I think I've read this one, that's the problem with Woodhouse isn't it?

  Bernard : It's all terrible, just hurry up and break my legs!

  Customer : But I've already read it! No, I'm sorry, I've got to go!

• [on being a pregnant woman's 'birth partner'] 

  Bernard : Urk. That's going to be intense, a lot of blood, a lot of shouting, and urm...

  Fran : Oh, no no no, I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk, it'll be just like the old days.

• [when being asked to explain his 'filing system' by his accountant] 

  Bernard : I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonder Woman.

• [attempting to fill in his tax return form] 

  Bernard : "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do.

  [writing on the form] 

  Bernard : 'Ma. Possibly deceased'.

• Bernard : Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

• [to three violent skinheads] 

  Bernard : Hey, you know when you're doing the usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?

• Bernard : Millwall fans, are we? Have you heard this one? "Millwall, Millwall, Millwall! You're awful! And your girlfriends are all unfulfilled and alienated"