- Rich Guy: Those books. How much?
- Bernard: Hmmm?
- Rich Guy: Those books. The leather-bound ones.
- Bernard: Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
- Rich Guy: Are they real leather?
- Bernard: They're real Dickens.
- Rich Guy: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.
- [Bernard looks confused]
- Rich Guy: Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
- Bernard: Two hundred what?
- Rich Guy: Two hundred pounds.
- Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
- Rich Guy: No.
- Bernard: Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.
- Bernard: [to a cluster of skinheads] Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right. This is you, okay?
- [prances about]
- Bernard: Tra-la-la!
- [stops]
- Bernard: Millwall! That's the one! Do you know this chant? 'Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... '
- [three men punch him in the face at once]
- Bernard: [speaking through a megaphone] Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out! Time to go home, come on!
- Old Woman: But it's only quarter to three!
- Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop.
- [now shooing them out with a broom]
- Bernard: Come on, go home, bye bye, get out...
- Old Woman: That's hardly fair!
- Bernard: It isn't fair at all. Get out!
- Rich Guy: I expect better service!
- Bernard: Well, expect away. Goodbye! Come on, all you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets. Thank you!
- [slams door]
- [having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm"]
- Manny: Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.
- [having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm", after being punched by a skinhead]
- Manny: Add a dab of lavender to milk; leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
- Jehovah's Witness: Hello. We're wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
- Bernard: [pause] Great! Come in!
- Jehovah's Witness: What?
- Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to now?
- Jehovah's Witness: It's a trap!
- [Whilst vainly trying to fill in his tax return form]
- Bernard: If you live in a council flat... next to a river... but are not blind... WHAT?
- Nick Voleur: Now Bernard. About this new filing system you were telling me about.
- Bernard: Ah yes well
- [reaches into pocket and takes out handful of receipts]
- Bernard: This is March to... boobelyboo
- [takes out more receipts]
- Bernard: this is err... misc
- [takes out more receipts]
- Bernard: and this is... other.
- Nick Voleur: Bernard. This new filing system. It's very closely modeled on the old one isn't it?
- Bernard: Well Nick I'd actually go further than that. I'd say it was more or less exactly... the same...
- [after Manny has swallowed "The Little Book Of Calm"]
- Doctor: Well, it's bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Bianco. 'The Little Book of Calm' has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.
- Manny: Oh my God!
- Doctor: No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows?
- Manny: Oh my God!
- Doctor: Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain...
- Manny: [interrupting] Oh my God! Oh, sorry.
- Doctor: ...during that time.
- Manny: Oh my God!
- [the Doctor's beeper goes]
- Doctor: Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says,
- [holding the X-Ray up to the light]
- Doctor: 'whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island'.
- Manny: I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness.
- Manny: I could do your accounts.
- Bernard: What?
- Manny: I'm an accountant. I was. It's the least I could do
- Bernard: You mean you could do more?
- Manny: Yeah.
- Bernard: Could I have a glass of wine?
- Manny: OK.
- Bernard: And a ham sandwich?
- Manny: If you like.
- Bernard: With pickle?
- [to his previous boss in an accounting firm]
- Manny: Should I be doing something? Do you need the Gleeson accounts? I have them on disk, I would have emailed them, but there was a lot of... clink on the... stuffer expander. And the plug went in some Tizer.
- Bernard: [customer buying book, hands it to Bernard] Oh, we've got a special offer on this one.
- Customer: Really?
- Bernard: Yeah, it's free if you break my legs.
- Customer: [pauses] Fair enough
- Bernard: GREAT! I'll get the hobbling post, there!
- [Waits for the customer to respond]
- Customer: Wait, I think I've read this one, that's the problem with Woodhouse isn't it?
- Bernard: It's all terrible, just hurry up and break my legs!
- Customer: But I've already read it! No, I'm sorry, I've got to go!
- Manny: [while assimilating the Little Book of Calm] When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate. Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
- [when being asked to explain his 'filing system' by his accountant]
- Bernard: I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonder Woman.
- [to a pregnant woman in labour, having assimilated "The Little Book of Calm"]
- Manny: When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.
- [to three violent skinheads]
- Bernard: Hey, you know when you're doing the usual threesome thing you do on a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing?
- Bernard: Millwall fans, are we? Have you heard this one? "Millwall, Millwall, Millwall! You're awful! And your girlfriends are all unfulfilled and alienated"