Black Books (TV Series)

Manny's First Day (2000)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Manny : This place could look all right, you know, with a few lamps.

  Bernard : Why didn't you just say you were gay?

  Manny : I'm not.

  Bernard : But you're interested in lamps.

  Manny : Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps. I thought you were actually. Gay, I mean

  Bernard : So did I, for a short while, but then I learnt of the prohibitive standards of hygiene, and all that *dancing*

• Bernard : You there - Lord of the Rings, Let's talk about how this whole, er, one-day-trial thing is going. At the moment you're fired.

• Bernard : I'm going out. I'm taking some clothes to Oxfam.

  Manny : Alright.

  Bernard : I usually lock up.

  Manny : But now I'm here it's different.

  Bernard : Yes. It's different.

  [starts to lock the door] 

  Manny : Why are you locking the door?

  Bernard : I always lock the door.

  Manny : But now that I'm here it's different.

  Bernard : Yes. It's different. I've never locked anybody in before.

• Fran : So Manny, tell us about yourself.

  Manny : Well, I was born in London...

  Bernard : Not so fast, David Copperfield. If you're going to go that far back we're going to need popcorn or something.

• Fran Katzenjammer : [storms in, furious] 

  Bernard : What did I do?

  Fran Katzenjammer : [throws a book at him] 

  Bernard : What did I do?

  Fran Katzenjammer : Did you tell Manny he was fired?

  Bernard : You nearly hurt me in the shoulder then.

  Fran Katzenjammer : Did you?

  Bernard : Yes, well, maybe a little bit.

• Bernard : Where are all the books?

  Manny : Pardon?

  Bernard : Where are all the books?

  Manny : Oh. They've all been sold.

  Bernard : Oh Jesus! That means I have to ring the ordering place and you have no idea how incredibly boring and complicated that is.

  [calls the ordering place] 

  Bernard : Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh.

  Manny : [takes phone]  Hello, who am I speaking to? Katy, Hi! Uh, we'll have the full Austen, complete Trollope - not you! Penguin paperback editions. Tolstoy? Yeah. Fling a few in. Alright, alright. Bye bye.

• Bernard : You sold a lot of books. You got on well with all the customers. I have to fire you.

• Manny : [Reading the rules Beranrd has written]  "No mobiles, no wigwams."

  Bernard : Walkmans!

  Manny : "No snoit... No snoity car..." This is indecipherable!

  Bernard : Look! It is perfectly simple. "No mobiles, no Walkmans..."

  [pauses, unsure] 

  Bernard : None of that! Or any of the others!

• Bernard : Who are you?

  First Customer : I'm a customer.

  Bernard : Oh, right.

• Fran Katzenjammer : You need someone normal around here.

  Bernard : Normal! He's normal is he, is he?

  Fran Katzenjammer : [chuckles] 

  Bernard : What am I then?

  Fran Katzenjammer : Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that.

  Bernard : [pauses then blurts]  Yes. I know. But I have rights!

• Manny : But I got on well with all the customers, I sold a lot of books!

  Bernard : It's not that kind of operation.

• Fran Katzenjammer : You need someone normal around here.

  Bernard : Normal? He's normal is he? And what am I then?

  Fran Katzenjammer : You're a freak, Bernard, you know that.