Black Books (TV Series)

Travel Writer (2004)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Manny : Bernard, I was wondering if you might have a word with Fran. Tell her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.

  Bernard : Ssssh!

  [meowing is heard] 

  Bernard : You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the nerve centre of his evil empire. A ground rent increase here, a tax dodge there? he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and dives back down to grooming his balls!

• Bernard : Hanley! Hanley, come out you blood sucker!

  [the door opens] 

  Solicitor : Miss Hanley is dead.

  Bernard : Eh?

  Solicitor : She died in the night.

  Bernard : I don't care... I mean, how awful.

• Roland : So, let me guess: Mice. No, wait... you've got cockroaches.

  Bernard : Yeah, we do, actually, but don't touch them, will you? It would upset the bat.

• Roland : No I cant do it, I cant kill an innocent cat.

  Bernard : Why not it will be easy bada bing bada meow.

• Solicitor : Miss Hanley left this falt to a Mr. Benson, he's in the kitchen. What was it you wanted to query... Mr...?

  Bernard : Black. I'll talk directly with him, I don't want any legal fidgiewidgieness upsetting natural justice.

  [he enters the kitchen] 

  Bernard : Benson! Benson! Where is he? Benson?

  Solicitor : Mr. Benson is in the bread bin.

  Bernard : I said no legal fidgiewidgieness! I want to see the owner, I want to sort this out and I want...

  Solicitor : [opens the bread bin, revealing Mr. Benson, a cat]  He likes to sleep there. What was it you wanted to say to him?

  Bernard : [unrolls a bill]  I'm not paying this!

• Manny : Bernard, I wondered if you might have a word with Fran. Explain to her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.

  Bernard : Ssssh!

  [meowing is heard] 

  Bernard : You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the - in the nerve centre of his empire. A hike in rent here, a tax dodge there, he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and then he dives back to grooming his balls!