"Cheers" Simon Says (TV Episode 1987) - John Cleese as Dr. Simon Finch-Royce

[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]

Diane : Dr., there's still one thing you haven't considered...

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Ok; Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world.

[opens window]

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Hear this, world. The rest of you can stop getting married. It's been done to perfection. Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record

[talks into his tape recorder]

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.

Diane : [turns to Sam] See?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well now, I need to begin to get to know you two, so Diane, why don't you start?

Diane : Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct 'in utero' recollection of a Fourth of July concert my Mother attended. There was at least one sousaphone...

[the scene fades to a scene some time later. Sam is napping on the office couch, Simon is sitting in the chair listening, and Diane is still talking]

Diane : [coming to the end of her recollections] -then he proposed to me in of all places, a court of law. This time I, acquiesced, and agreed to become Mrs Malone... which brings us here today.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [nods for a brief moment] You know, my wife has a skirt very similar to the one you're wearing. Sam, a little of your history, please.

Sam Malone : Oh! Right, alright, okay. Um... Let's see, it was uh, August 5th, 1973, I got my first Major League save. It was in Baltimore...

Diane : [interrupting him] Sam, you don't have to go into all of that.

Sam Malone : If you can go back to the womb, I can go back to the damn Oriole double-header.

Sam Malone : You know, it was your stupid idea to come here in the first place. All of a sudden he says something you don't like, and now you don't believe him anymore?

Diane : [sounding desperate] Well he's wrong! He doesn't know what he's talking about! Don't you think he's capable of making a mistake?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : That's highly unlikely, although, I did let the two of you in.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [walks from his bedroom, puts on a robe, opens the door and finds Sam and Diane... standing outside for the fourth time in one evening] That's it. I've died and gone to Hell.

Sam Malone : [talking to Diane] I'm starved, I'm gonna go have some dinner. You wanna join me?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [also talking to Diane, as he attempts to eat his soup] Please say "Yes."

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [after seeing Sam and Diane out his hotel door for the third time in one evening] ... I've grown to hate them.

Dr. Frasier Crane : How was your flight?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Oh, relatively crash-free.

Norm Peterson : Doc, hi. I'm Norm Peterson. I have to tell you that my wife is a big fan of yours, sir. Yeah, she reads all those marriage improvement books.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Great. Have they helped?

Norm Peterson : They've helped me. It gives her something to do in bed.

Diane : [referring to her relationship with Sam] Well, what about the idea that opposites attract?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : AH, the song of the TRULY desperate.

Sam Malone : [after being told that he and Diane should not get married] Wait don't go, what should we do?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, think yourselves lucky I mean, you found out now. Saved yourself years, perhaps decades, of pain and heartache... Cheerio.

[exits out the office door]

Dr. Frasier Crane : Ah, Simon. Simon, I've signed a blank check. Now remember, no favors. I want you to fill out your regular fee.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, as you wish. Thanks! Excuse me, I must dash back to the hotel.

Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, just for my ledger, what amount should I fill in?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : 1500 dollars.

Dr. Frasier Crane : Fine, 1500 dollars. Done.

[Simon leaves out the front door of Cheers]

Dr. Frasier Crane : [to himself] Pretentious limey bastard.

Diane : You know, you are a very clever man. It wasn't until after you left, that we realized you were merely testing our resolves. So, we stand before you, as proof that we are steadfast in our devotion to one another.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well that's very lovely, but it wasn't a test.

Diane : [thinking he's joking] Oh, listen to him Sam: it's yet another test!

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : I'm afraid I haven't made myself sufficiently clear: You two, are, an accident, waiting, to marry.

Diane : [entering with a small stack of books] Sam and I have been to the library, and we've done extensive research. We're here to tell you that you are full of rubbish!

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : How thoughtful. Most people would only have phoned.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, but I have had just about enough. Now I've said that you're not compatible, and you've done nothing to show me otherwise.

Diane : [sounding on the verge of tears] Look I don't know, what we're supposed to do or what we're supposed to say, but we're HERE, fighting for our lives together, now doesn't that count for something?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [matter-of-factly] No.

Diane : [whining] Why not?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, let me answer you this way. Sam, do you really want to be here?

Sam Malone : No.

[Simon gestures as if to say, "There, case closed"]

Diane : [still whining] Oh, What do you mean "no?"

Sam Malone : I mean "no." I don't want to be here-I mean, this whole thing was your stupid idea. What do we care if this guy doesn't think we should get married? Nobody we know thinks we should get married. We don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [talking to Sam and Diane] Well now, uh, where to begin? Well usually at this point, you would tell me what a loathsome contemptible swine he is, and uh, you would describe in some detail, what a wanton libidinous trollop she is. But as you're already engaged, we'll just have to look forward to that.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, moving on. Now, what are the keys to a successful marriage? Well there are numerous schools of thought. Many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is...

[both Sam and Diane are silent]

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Quickly now.

Diane : Love.

Sam Malone : Sex.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Honesty. Because from honesty springs...

Diane : Fidelity.

Sam Malone : Sex.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : ...Yes: trust.

Diane : I was going to say that.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well those people are wrong.