- Professor: [Daria is daydreaming about her future college life] Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.
- Daria: I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.
- Professor: But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.
- Daria: Well...
- Professor: Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.
- Daria: Oh! Okay.
- Professor: Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!
- Daria: How come, even in my fantasies, everyone's a jerk?
- Daria: One more time: I am *not* taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out] Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait a minute!
- Daria: Maybe we can sit together!
- Daria: Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title "Sons and Lovers" does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
- College student: What about something he said when we broke up?
- Daria: ...no.
- Daria: Then we filled out this worksheet, and that was pretty much it. Money well spent, since it wasn't my money.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: You left out the best part.
- Daria: Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: It's not a date. We're meeting to discuss scholarship options.
- Jake Morgendorffer: Scholarship? Way to go, sweetie.
- Daria: There's no such thing as a making-out scholarship.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Uh, excuse me, but I think he would know better than you.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Anyway, the best part, I meant, was the trip.
- Jake Morgendorffer: What trip?
- Quinn Morgendorffer: We have to visit a college of our choosing.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Great! We'll go to Middleton!
- Jake Morgendorffer: We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend!
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: We're walking? Ugh!
- Daria: [to Helen] Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.
- Jake Morgendorffer: [Daria walks in the living room and sees the rest of her family seated] Hey, Daria! Come on in!
- Daria: Uh... what happened?
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Nothing - only somebody in this family turned out to be college material.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Quinn was accepted to Manatee College in Florida!
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Remember those stupid worksheets we had to fill out for that course? Mine won.
- Jake Morgendorffer: I'm so proud of you, honey.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Manatee... it sounds kind of European, don't you think?
- Daria: Uh, did you guys read this letter?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes, and it says right there that she's in.
- Daria: And here at the bottom it also says, "Manatee College has no classes, but offers beachfront accommodations at a cost of $10,000 per semester."
- Quinn Morgendorffer: That's even better than we thought, right, Dad?
- Jake Morgendorffer: [Snatches letter from Daria] Give me that!
- Quinn Morgendorffer: [the car the Morgendorffers are in runs over road kill] Daddy!
- Jake Morgendorffer: It was dead already, sweetheart. Just like the others.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: How do you know?
- Daria: You didn't hear any screaming, did you?
- Quinn Morgendorffer: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
- Daria: What about unpopular animals?
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Unpopular animals don't count.
- Daria: What about the stupid ones?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Come on, girls. We'll be at Susan and Doug's soon.
- Daria: Hooray.
- Jake Morgendorffer: It'll be fun. You can hang out with Ramona.
- Daria: Ramona's three.
- Heather: [a deliveryman drops off a paper for Heather] My psych term paper. Finally. Nobody respects deadlines anymore.
- Daria: [Daria reads the paper] Uh, you paid somebody to write this for you?
- Heather: It was a collaboration. My part was to say how long it should be and when it was due.
- Daria: But the first paragraph doesn't even make sense. How much did you pay for this?
- Heather: Fifty bucks.
- Daria: I can fix this for you for ten bucks.
- Heather: Really? Great.
- Roommate 1: Wow. You know anything about the English Civil War?
- Roommate 2: How about Renaissance painting?
- Daria: What I don't know, I can fake. But cash only. I don't take checks from college students.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah. I'm tired of being at a school where the kids just think they're cooler than me. I want to go to one where they're smarter than me also.
- Jane: [Last lines] All in all, then, the whole college experience kind of sucked.
- Daria: Pretty much.
- Jane: Does that mean *these* are the best years of our lives?
- Daria: I hope not.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Ugh!
- [Quinn throws her soda in the instructor's face]
- Quinn Morgendorffer: I should have known Daria was right about that making-out scholarship!
- Daria: But you've gotta admit, there are some pretty choice moments.
- Jane Lane: And the other thing is, who came up with the name tennis bracelet anyway. It sounds like some kind of sweatband if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive? " -Quinn