- Jodie Abigail Landon: I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have the summer off.
- Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Excellent. And see, you learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?
- Jodie Abigail Landon: No, I learned that my parents would rather I drop dead from exhaustion than miss the opportunity to shred some bribe-taking congressman's incriminating phone bills.
- Jane Lane: [halfheartedly, trying out for the cheerleading squad] Cheer, cheer, cheer. Yell, yell, yell. Who cares who wins? We're all goin' to Hell.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Okay, where's your evil twin?
- Jane Lane: The aliens finished their experiments, and let me return in her place.
- Daria Morgendorffer: How was the probe?
- Jane Lane: Less intrusive this time.
- Jane Lane: So, what are you gonna fail at, giving a damn?
- Daria Morgendorffer: I could fail to see the merit of this assignment.
- Jane Lane: Or succeed in finding it a waste of time.
- Daria Morgendorffer: I just picked what I'm gonna fail at; getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.
- Jane Lane: Excellent.
- Daria Morgendorffer: This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn IS grounded, I still win.
- Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [about the outcome of the assignment he set for his students to fail at something] How about you Kevin?
- Kevin Thompson: I'm a crappy athlete. They threw me off the team.
- Mr. Timothy O'Neill: So you... succeeded at your assignment.
- Kevin Thompson: Succeeded? I lost the game!
- Jane Lane: Good thing he has that physics scholarship to fall back on.
- [Tom sees Jane dressed "conventionally"]
- Jane Lane: Hey, fly-boy.
- Tom Sloane: Is that a teddy-bear backpack?
- Jane Lane: Uh-huh. Do you wanna test out my new lip gloss? It's kiwi flavored.
- Tom Sloane: Well, I guess if I kissed you at least my eyes would be closed.
- Daria Morgendorffer: I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.
- Sick, Sad World Announcer: What's that you're really stirring in your tea? Honey, or bee vomit? Animal secretions that make us say yum! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World.
- Daria Morgendorffer: [Daria and Jane enter class to see Britney crying hysterically] Let me guess; a teen movie star choked on his gum.
- Jane Lane: That, or the cafeteria ran out of bendy-straws again.