- Laura Petrie: Are you doing this because you're afraid of Alan?
- Rob Petrie: No, I'm doin' it because I respect Alan Brady. A man of his caliber has great firing power.
- Alan Brady: Oh, R-Rob, it's hard to tell a... a writer that his stuff isn't funny.
- Rob Petrie: You tell me that every week.
- Alan Brady: D'oh, but you're a... you're a television writer.
- Rob Petrie: [deep in thought] Whadda ya want?
- Laura Petrie: A divorce.
- Rob Petrie: In a minute.
- Laura Petrie: Shall I call the lawyer?
- Rob Petrie: No, that's all right, honey. I'll call him.
- Rob Petrie: Yates is a Pulitzer prize-winning playwright.
- Alan Brady: Well, he wrote a Pulitzer prize-winning bomb there.
- Rob Petrie: Mr. Yates has written a play which is not very good.
- Alan Brady: Rob, not in front of Mr. Ben.
- Rob Petrie: [whispering] The play's weak. What am I whispering in front of a dog for?
- Alan Brady: Because he's smart and he bites.
- Alan Brady: Mel, do I speak a foreign language?
- Mel Cooley: No, not...
- Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.
- Mel Cooley: Yes sir.
- Alan Brady: Can't you understand me? I said I wanted to see Rob. That's Rob. I am Alan, You are Mel. This is a door. Use it.
- Mel Cooley: Well, but I...
- Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.
- Mel Cooley: I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear.
- Buddy Sorrell: The only thing that's clear is the top of your head.
- Alan Brady: I know what it means and you know what it means, but who's going to tell the audience? What, do we give out pamphlets to explain the jokes?
- Alan Brady: Why don't you use Mel's office. You'll be more comfortable in there.
- Harper Worthington Yates: Thank you.
- Alan Brady: Just make yourself at home.
- Harper Worthington Yates: Thank you.
- Alan Brady: Mel, get out of your office.
- Mel Cooley: Well, I've got to finish...
- Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.
- Mel Cooley: Yes sir.
- Rob Petrie: Did I wake you up?
- Laura Petrie: No, no, I was going to get up to see what all the noise was anyway.
- Laura Petrie: Harper Yates called and said he needs your help.
- Rob Petrie: Really?
- Laura Petrie: Mm hmm, he said he wants the dinner jacket he ordered by Tuesday.
- Alan Brady: Rob, there's a bomb in this office. Right here.
- [hands Rob a script]
- Rob Petrie: That's a play.
- Alan Brady: No. It's a bomb.