The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
Coast to Coast Big Mouth (1965)
Mary Tyler Moore: Laura Petrie
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Brady : [presenting all his various toupees] What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?
Laura Petrie : Well, there must be some... needy bald people.
Alan Brady : NEEDY BALD PEOPLE!
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Laura Petrie : [relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.
Alan Brady : [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?
Laura Petrie : Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!
Rob Petrie : She loves it.
Alan Brady : Did you tell her about my capped teeth?
Laura Petrie : Mm-mm.
Rob Petrie : You've got capped teeth?
Alan Brady : NO!
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Laura Petrie : If Rob knew I was here, he'd kill me.
Alan Brady : Good, I'll call him.
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Rob Petrie : I am surprised you didn't blab about his nose being fixed.
Laura Petrie : I didn't know Alan had a nose job.
Rob Petrie : No, up till now it was a secret.
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Johnny Patrick : Petrie, Petrie... Is your husband in television?
Laura Petrie : Yes, he is.
Johnny Patrick : I thought that name was familiar. Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady happens to be married to one of the most talented men in our business.
Laura Petrie : Thank you. I think he is.
Johnny Patrick : The producer of that fantastic show "The World in Trouble" - Dave Petrie.
Laura Petrie : Oh, no.
Johnny Patrick : Oh, I'm sorry. He's not producing that show anymore.
Laura Petrie : No, he's not my husband.
Johnny Patrick : Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.
Laura Petrie : No, no, he never was.
Johnny Patrick : OH!
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Johnny Patrick : Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?
Laura Petrie : Oh, yes.
Johnny Patrick : Uh-huh. Does he wear his toupee at home?
Laura Petrie : Oh, golly, yes, he wears it all the time.
Johnny Patrick : YOU MEAN THAT ALAN BRADY IS REALLY BALD?
Laura Petrie : NO!
Johnny Patrick : Well, then why does he wear a toupee?
Laura Petrie : Well...
Johnny Patrick : That's it, ladies. The secret's out. She knows and she said it. How about that, folks?
Laura Petrie : I didn't mean to say it.
Johnny Patrick : Laura, listen, don't worry about it. I'm sure that Alan will understand.
Laura Petrie : Oh, no, he won't. You don't know him. When he finds out, he's gonna just...
Johnny Patrick : He'll what? He'll what?
Laura Petrie : Nothing.
Johnny Patrick : What? What?
Laura Petrie : Nothing. He a a nice man. Thank you very much for all the prizes.
Johnny Patrick : Thank you for the scoop. Bye. How about that, girls? Are you having fun? Don't forget, you heard it on this show.
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Laura Petrie : Rob's home. Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?
Millie Helper : I wish you hadn't asked me that.
Laura Petrie : Why?
Millie Helper : 'Cause you're not gonna like my answer: Goodbye and good luck.
Laura Petrie : Oh, Millie...
Millie Helper : [nervously to Rob] Hi, I see you're home.
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Rob Petrie : Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.
Laura Petrie : I'm not sure.
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Laura Petrie : Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.
Alan Brady : Sure, like a father figure, right?
Laura Petrie : Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.
Alan Brady : A bald mother figure?
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[Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in]
Rob Petrie : There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.
Millie Helper : Ooo, uh, nine.
Rob Petrie : All right. Laura?
Laura Petrie : Three.
Rob Petrie : Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?
Millie Helper : Weeping willow.
Rob Petrie : Weeping willow.
Laura Petrie : The mighty oak.
Rob Petrie : All right, your favorite planet.
Laura Petrie : Earth.
Millie Helper : She took my planet.
Laura Petrie : Oh, Millie!
Millie Helper : Okay, give me Pluto.
Rob Petrie : Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.
Millie Helper : Wonderful.
Laura Petrie : Rob, how did you arrive at that?
Rob Petrie : Well, what's the difference? We did it.
[Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded]
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Rob Petrie : The item said, "The question of whether Alan Brady is bald or not was answered today on television by the wife of the future ex-writer of the Alan Brady show."
Laura Petrie : Rob, what do you think Alan will do?
Rob Petrie : Well, uh honey, it's not what, it's how, how, how he will do it.