The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Forty-Four Tickets (1961)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Laura Petrie : You're not gonna try to blame ME for your forgetfulness?

  Rob Petrie : Well, honey, you could've at least reminded me.

  Laura Petrie : You JUST last night made a big speech about not reminding Rich. Do you or do you NOT like reminders?

  Rob Petrie : Well, only when I forget.

• [Rob, Laura, Jerry and Millie are playing bridge when Rob discovers he's forgotten to order 44 tickets] 

  Rob Petrie : I'll bid, uh, four no tickets.

  Jerry Helper : "Four no tickets"?

  Rob Petrie : Did I say that?

  [laughs] 

  Rob Petrie : I meant 44 no trump, or, uh... 44 no tickets.

  [laughs again] 

  Rob Petrie : Oh, bad... Let me say that again. Uh, by'uh, four no trump.

  Jerry Helper : Neighbor, do you really think you're gonna make four no trump?

  Rob Petrie : I bet a lot easier than I'm going to make 44 no tickets. Let's play tickets!

  Jerry Helper : [kicked under the table by Laura]  Ow!

  Jerry Helper : [to Rob]  I got another message for you.

  Rob Petrie : [kicked under the table by Jerry]  Ow! Let's play cards!

• [Rob has forgotten to get tickets for the PTA to visit his TV show's studio] 

  Millie Helper : You haven't forgotten about the PTA coming to your studio?

  Rob Petrie : [stammering]  Well...

  Jerry Helper : [Laura kicks Jerry under the table]  Ouch! I think she meant this for you.

  Rob Petrie : [Jerry kicks Rob under the table]  OW!

• [Mel has given Rob six tickets but Rob can't help noticing Mel holds many more in his hand] 

  Rob Petrie : Are, uh... are all those others spoken for?

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Loudly and clearly. These are for the employees of the United Nations.

  Rob Petrie : Well, Mel, couldn't you just let me have a few of 'em? Just, say, the ones you're holding for the less friendly nations?

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Come now, Rob. You wouldn't want me to create an international situation just because of your PTA?

  Rob Petrie : Sure I would.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : [laughs]  I know you're just joshing.

• Laura Petrie : How could you forget 44 tickets?

  Rob Petrie : Easy.

  Laura Petrie : Oh, Robert!

  Rob Petrie : What do you mean, "Oh, Robert"? I could just as well say "Oh, Laura!"

• Rob Petrie : Don't tell me you forgot our Wednesday night bridge game with Jerry and Millie?

  Laura Petrie : Well, I...

  Rob Petrie : Uh-HUH! Ya DID forget! So he's "forgetful like his daddy," huh?

  Laura Petrie : Darling, our bridge date is for tomorrow.

  Rob Petrie : Tomorrow? What's today?

  Laura Petrie : Tuesday.

• Mrs. Billings : Well, I'm no expert, but I do know what I like, and I DON'T like it when Mr. Brady, your star, comes out and tells those jokes.

  Rob Petrie : B... uh, which jokes? He tells 'em on every show.

  Mrs. Billings : Yes. I don't like that.

  Rob Petrie : Uh, yes, you, uh, don't think those are funny?

  Mrs. Billings : [chuckles]  Do YOU?

  Rob Petrie : Uh, well...

  Mrs. Billings : Oh, I know, you can't really say what you think.

  Rob Petrie : I-I-I COULD, but I don't dare.

• Rob Petrie : [to his coworkers about his PTA dilemma]  Any ideas, you guys?

  Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Yeah...

  [snaps fingers] 

  Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : I got it! I got an idea!

  Sally Rogers : Beginner's luck.

  Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Don't make jokes. This is on the level, this'll solve the whole problem for you. You get the whole neighborhood together, put 'em on a chartered bus and drive 'em down to the studio.

  Rob Petrie : How does that solve the problem?

  Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell : Easy, you get a drunken bus driver and he crashes into a lamppost.

  Sally Rogers : I got a better idea: get a sober driver, have him hijack the bus and fly it out of the country.

  Rob Petrie : Thanks a lot, you guys, you've been a big help. I'm desperate and you're making jokes.

  Sally Rogers : Oh, come on, Rob, it's only the PTA.

  Rob Petrie : Only the PTA? You know what the PTA stands for? Three things that I respect - and fear: parents, teachers and associations!

• Rob Petrie : Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like for you to meet the charming producer of The Alan Brady Show, Mr. Mel Cooley.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : [brusquely]  NOT NOW, ROB - I'VE GOT A PROBLEM!

• Sally Rogers : [to Rob]  You mean to say you're gonna let 34 people get all dressed up, hire sitters, drive into town just to tell them they have to drive back home, take off their clothes and unhire the sitters?

  Rob Petrie : Will you please not be so graphic? Let's just say I need 34 tickets.

• Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : [Rob is on the phone saying he has a problem]  Problem? Problem? What kind of a problem? What happened? What's the matter with the show? Couldn't you finish the sketch? What? What? What?

  Rob Petrie : Mel, I need some tickets for this week's show.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Tickets? Is that all? Rob, I'm surprised at you. Do you realize that I almost took an aspirin?

  Rob Petrie : Gee, Mel, I'm sorry. That would've been awful.

  Laura Petrie : What's awful?

  Rob Petrie : He almost took an aspirin.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : How many tickets do you need? Two? Three? Four?

  Rob Petrie : Heh. Mel, as a matter of fact, I need 44.

  [Mel doesn't respond] 

  Rob Petrie : Mel? Mel?

  Laura Petrie : What'd he say?

  Rob Petrie : I think he took the aspirin.

  [turns back to Mel on the phone] 

  Rob Petrie : Mel, now, look, what's the most I can have?

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Four.

  [pause] 

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Now, Rob, if you wanted that many tickets, you should've spoken to me weeks ago. Now, you know how popular our show is, how people are constantly clamoring for tickets.

  Rob Petrie : I know, Mel. I heard the clamoring. All right. Thanks a lot, Mel. Bye.

  [hangs up] 

  Rob Petrie : That's four. Now all we need are 40 more tickets.

  Laura Petrie : And if we don't get them?

  Rob Petrie : [sarcastically]  Oh, no problem. We'll change our names, sell the house, and move to a new neighborhood.