The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Forty-Four Tickets (1961)

Richard Deacon: Mel Cooley

Quotes 

• [Mel has given Rob six tickets but Rob can't help noticing Mel holds many more in his hand] 

  Rob Petrie : Are, uh... are all those others spoken for?

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Loudly and clearly. These are for the employees of the United Nations.

  Rob Petrie : Well, Mel, couldn't you just let me have a few of 'em? Just, say, the ones you're holding for the less friendly nations?

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Come now, Rob. You wouldn't want me to create an international situation just because of your PTA?

  Rob Petrie : Sure I would.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : [laughs]  I know you're just joshing.

• Melvin (Mel) Cooley : [sarcastically appraising a lame sketch idea]  It's a riot.

  Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell : How would you know, Curly?

  Melvin (Mel) Cooley : [to Rob]  Will you please tell this person that I was not hired for this job to be the butt of his jokes?

  Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell : Hey, whose jokes were you hired to be the butt of?

  Melvin (Mel) Cooley : [to Buddy]  Yecch!

• Rob Petrie : Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like for you to meet the charming producer of The Alan Brady Show, Mr. Mel Cooley.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : [brusquely]  NOT NOW, ROB - I'VE GOT A PROBLEM!

• Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : [Rob is on the phone saying he has a problem]  Problem? Problem? What kind of a problem? What happened? What's the matter with the show? Couldn't you finish the sketch? What? What? What?

  Rob Petrie : Mel, I need some tickets for this week's show.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Tickets? Is that all? Rob, I'm surprised at you. Do you realize that I almost took an aspirin?

  Rob Petrie : Gee, Mel, I'm sorry. That would've been awful.

  Laura Petrie : What's awful?

  Rob Petrie : He almost took an aspirin.

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : How many tickets do you need? Two? Three? Four?

  Rob Petrie : Heh. Mel, as a matter of fact, I need 44.

  [Mel doesn't respond] 

  Rob Petrie : Mel? Mel?

  Laura Petrie : What'd he say?

  Rob Petrie : I think he took the aspirin.

  [turns back to Mel on the phone] 

  Rob Petrie : Mel, now, look, what's the most I can have?

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Four.

  [pause] 

  Melvin 'Mel' Cooley : Now, Rob, if you wanted that many tickets, you should've spoken to me weeks ago. Now, you know how popular our show is, how people are constantly clamoring for tickets.

  Rob Petrie : I know, Mel. I heard the clamoring. All right. Thanks a lot, Mel. Bye.

  [hangs up] 

  Rob Petrie : That's four. Now all we need are 40 more tickets.

  Laura Petrie : And if we don't get them?

  Rob Petrie : [sarcastically]  Oh, no problem. We'll change our names, sell the house, and move to a new neighborhood.