- Rob Petrie: [setting up to demonstrate his newly acquired judo knowledge on Ritchie's stuffed monkey] See, I'll be you and the monkey will be me.
- Laura Petrie: Good casting.
- Rob Petrie: You know, s-some of these guys had the nerve to come up to me today and say, "Well, I understand your wife can beat cha up,"
- Laura Petrie: And what difference does it make?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, what difference... What DIFFERENCE does it MAKE?
- Laura Petrie: [seeing Rob in traction] Darling, does... does it hurt very much?
- Rob Petrie: Only when I do ANYTHING.
- Laura Petrie: I mean, just because your male ego took a beating today is no reason to attack my femininity.
- Laura Petrie: My, aren't YOU in a good mood?
- Rob Petrie: No, I am... serene.
- Laura Petrie: Oh? How many "serenes" did ya have?
- Rob Petrie: I told you I didn't want to fight, but I think I'd better warn you. See, I'm a black belt karate expert, and these hands are registered with the police department as lethal weapons. Now, I'm obliged by law to tell you that first.
- Tony Daniels: [about judo] You know, when you know this stuff, you never feel you have to prove yourself.
- Rob Petrie: Well, you heard about the thing, uh, with Laura the other night, didn't you?
- Tony Daniels: Uh, yeah, yeah, I... h'yeah, yeah.
- Rob Petrie: Well, to tell you the truth, I'm feeling... It's bothering me.
- Tony Daniels: Yeah, I know. You-you've taken quite a ribbing, huh?
- Rob Petrie: H'yeah, well, not only that, but the other night at the house, she threw me. Plow!
- Tony Daniels: [amused, good-naturedly] You know...
- Rob Petrie: I see you laughing.
- Tony Daniels: [smiling] Well, well, what do you want me to do? You want me to go over to your house and rough her up?
- Buddy Sorrell: Sally, what do you think that look means?
- Sally Rogers: Well, I'd say he was seriously thinking about killing the next person who ribs him.
- Buddy Sorrell: Sending Laura to kill the next person who ribs him.
- Rob Petrie: It just so happens that Tony Daniels was in the office today and he is a Judo instructor.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, so you asked for some instructions in wife-beating?
- Miss Taylor: Well now I understand how you got all those injuries except for those scratches on your arm.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, well I was just thinking about that. Those, as a matter of fact, are Laura's fault too.
- Miss Taylor: How?
- Rob Petrie: Well, when the guys from the ambulance came to carry me out, they asked her how I got hurt. She said that I was thrown by a monkey.
- Miss Taylor: So?
- Rob Petrie: So, they laughed so hard, they dropped me in the rose bushes.