- Mel Cooley: Tracy, you're in good hands now and I'll leave. If there's anything you want, just call me.
- Buddy Sorrell: I'll tell you what to call him.
- Tracy Rattigan: The only thing I have against marriage, my dear: it takes the prettiest girls out of circulation.
- Sally Rogers: Yeah... it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says, "You may have the world at your feet, but that don't stop the corns from hurtin'."
- Buddy Sorrell: Oh-ho, what's bothering YOU?
- Sally Rogers: The sudden realization that my boyfriend, Herman Glimscher, is the only man in America who takes a girl to a drive-in to actually watch the picture.
- Rob Petrie: Morning, Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Ah, shut up!
- Rob Petrie: Out with Herman last night again, huh?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, how could you tell?
- Rob Petrie: What do you suppose is keeping Sally?
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, I dunno. I guess it takes a long time to take off fifteen pounds.
- Rob Petrie: Tracy, this is Laura, my wife.
- Tracy Rattigan: Is this foul news the truth?
- Laura Petrie: That's right. I'm his husband.
- Rob Petrie: She means I'm her wife.
- Laura Petrie: You DID give him the right directions, I hope.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah. East Side Highway, Browns River Parkway, you know.
- Laura Petrie: Darling, why didn't you tell him to take the West Side Highway? It's much more direct.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, but the East Side Highway is ten minutes faster.
- Laura Petrie: Yeah, but twice as devious. There's much more chance he'll get lost.
- Rob Petrie: [laughing] Yeah, I know that.
- Laura Petrie: Look, Tracy Rattigan is the star of The Alan Brady Show; you are his head writer; you have no choice but to try to make his two weeks on the show as pleasant and uneventful as possible.
- Tracy Rattigan: You cad! You ruined my joke!
- Rob Petrie: Well, better your joke than your suit, eh, Tracy?
- Tracy Rattigan: Don't stand there, old lovie. Go get a notepad and pencil and jot down any bits of accidental brilliance I might babble out. If you think of a joke yourself, do feel free to pop it in, right?
- Rob Petrie: You were just putting me on? You weren't serious?
- Tracy Rattigan: That's something you'll never be quite sure about, will you, old lovie?