The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Ray Murdock's X-Ray (1963)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ray Murdock : Well, uh, how about letting me "x-ray" you?

  Rob Petrie : I dunno, Ray. Some of my friends here tell me I'd be a fool to go on.

  Ray Murdock : [chuckling]  No, I wouldn't give YOU a rough time. I only do that with people who are controversial or who like a good fight.

• Rob Petrie : [arriving at the studio]  Is, uh, Mr. Murdock here?

  Stage Manager : No, he gets here about five seconds before we roll.

  Rob Petrie : Five seconds? Isn't that calling it a little bit close?

  Stage Manager : Well, you see, he doesn't like to meet the guests before the interview.

  Rob Petrie : Well, why not?

  Stage Manager : He doesn't like to fraternize with his opponents.

• Sally Rogers : [coming out from behind a curtain with Buddy]  Rob. We were watching the show in the control room. I hope you don't mind.

  Buddy Sorrell : Hey, where do we send the flowers?

  Rob Petrie : You saw that fiasco?

  Buddy Sorrell : Yeah. Maybe you better sleep at my house for a couple of years.

• Rob Petrie : If she sees this show, my wife is never gonna speak to me again.

  Buddy Sorrell : Yeah? Hey, how can I get on that show?

• Rob Petrie : [holding the phone]  Well, Honey, I know it sounds silly, but if you don't give Sally this recipe right now...

  Laura Petrie : What'll happen?

  Rob Petrie : Well... two of her best friends are gonna have a terrible fight.

• Rob Petrie : Wanna... wanna finish our dance?

  [Laura, humiliated, does not respond] 

  Rob Petrie : Our marriage?

• Rob Petrie : Aw, Honey, all right. I apologize, but believe me, nobody's gonna think you're a kook or anything. I'll bet you none of your friends even saw that show.

  Laura Petrie : How can you be so sure?

  Rob Petrie : Because, Honey, if they saw it, you can bet that that phone...

  [as Rob points to it, the phone rings] 

  Rob Petrie : [pause]  ... would be ringing.

• Ray Murdock : So how does your wife feel about the whole country laughing at things that she said to you in the privacy of your home?

  Rob Petrie : Well, uh, Ray, she, uh... uh... uh, she understands. I'm sh... She knows I'm a comedy writer.

  Ray Murdock : And she forgives you for holding her up to national ridicule?

  Rob Petrie : Well, wh... Ray, heh-heh-heh... Uh, right up to this moment I don't think the country was aware that, uh... those comedy sketches were, uh, you know, based on my wife's actual experiences.

• Rob Petrie : Wait - how about the time you lost your wedding ring while making a batch of muffins?

  Laura Petrie : [Shocked]  When did I do that?

  Rob Petrie : [Pulling ring from his mouth]  I don't know... when did you make these muffins.