- Buddy Sorrell: Want to do something courageous? Come to my house and say to my mother-in-law, "You're wrong, fatso."
- Ray Murdock: Well, uh, how about letting me "x-ray" you?
- Rob Petrie: I dunno, Ray. Some of my friends here tell me I'd be a fool to go on.
- Ray Murdock: [chuckling] No, I wouldn't give YOU a rough time. I only do that with people who are controversial or who like a good fight.
- Rob Petrie: [arriving at the studio] Is, uh, Mr. Murdock here?
- Stage Manager: No, he gets here about five seconds before we roll.
- Rob Petrie: Five seconds? Isn't that calling it a little bit close?
- Stage Manager: Well, you see, he doesn't like to meet the guests before the interview.
- Rob Petrie: Well, why not?
- Stage Manager: He doesn't like to fraternize with his opponents.
- Sally Rogers: [coming out from behind a curtain with Buddy] Rob. We were watching the show in the control room. I hope you don't mind.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, where do we send the flowers?
- Rob Petrie: You saw that fiasco?
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. Maybe you better sleep at my house for a couple of years.
- Rob Petrie: If she sees this show, my wife is never gonna speak to me again.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? Hey, how can I get on that show?
- Rob Petrie: [holding the phone] Well, Honey, I know it sounds silly, but if you don't give Sally this recipe right now...
- Laura Petrie: What'll happen?
- Rob Petrie: Well... two of her best friends are gonna have a terrible fight.
- Rob Petrie: Wanna... wanna finish our dance?
- [Laura, humiliated, does not respond]
- Rob Petrie: Our marriage?
- Rob Petrie: Aw, Honey, all right. I apologize, but believe me, nobody's gonna think you're a kook or anything. I'll bet you none of your friends even saw that show.
- Laura Petrie: How can you be so sure?
- Rob Petrie: Because, Honey, if they saw it, you can bet that that phone...
- [as Rob points to it, the phone rings]
- Rob Petrie: [pause] ... would be ringing.
- Ray Murdock: So how does your wife feel about the whole country laughing at things that she said to you in the privacy of your home?
- Rob Petrie: Well, uh, Ray, she, uh... uh... uh, she understands. I'm sh... She knows I'm a comedy writer.
- Ray Murdock: And she forgives you for holding her up to national ridicule?
- Rob Petrie: Well, wh... Ray, heh-heh-heh... Uh, right up to this moment I don't think the country was aware that, uh... those comedy sketches were, uh, you know, based on my wife's actual experiences.
- Rob Petrie: Wait - how about the time you lost your wedding ring while making a batch of muffins?
- Laura Petrie: [Shocked] When did I do that?
- Rob Petrie: [Pulling ring from his mouth] I don't know... when did you make these muffins.