The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

The Alan Brady Show Goes to Jail (1964)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Quotes 

• Rob Petrie : [locked up with prisoners who won't back him up]  You're gonna get in trouble.

  Harry Tinker : [mockingly]  Hey. Yeah, you know, they might put us in jail.

• Rob Petrie : Wait a minute. You mean y-you want me to entertain here?

  Boxer Morrison : Why, sure. You guys on TV is always saying "Thanks for letting us into your living room." Well, we're letting you into OUR livin' room.

  Harry Tinker : And we ain't going to let you out.

• Rob Petrie : Incidentally, Lyle, what kind of an audience are these guys?

  Lyle Delp : Captive - the best audience in the world.

• Lyle Delp : Well, ya see, uh... we-we haven't had a show here in several months, eh-heh.

  Buddy Sorrell : Gee, I thought you had one every week.

  Lyle Delp : Well, we... we do, you see, but, uh, the warden had to postpone the last one, uh, because of the riot.

  Rob Petrie : The riot?

  Lyle Delp : Well, eh-heh, it wasn't exactly a riot. It was sort of a... a difference of opinion, eh-heh... with injuries.

  Buddy Sorrell : What was the riot about?

  Lyle Delp : They didn't like the last show.

  Rob Petrie : He's kiddin' us.

  [Lyle shakes his head] 

  Rob Petrie : He's not kidding.

• Rob Petrie : [mistaken for a prisoner]  How can I make you understand that I'm not a... I got it!

  Rob Petrie : [indicating the inmate number on his shirt]  L-look-look at that. Guard, look at that number. Look! Check me in the files. You won't find me there. That is an unlisted number!

• Rob Petrie : Is this the underwear of a criminal?

• Rob Petrie : As a memento of our little visit up here to Granville State Prison, we have a door prize for some lucky convict. We're gonna give him a door and let him out.