- Stevie Parsons: All kidding aside, would you, uh, really like to get married?
- Sally Rogers: Would I like to get ma... Do kangaroos like kumquats?
- Stevie Parsons: Well, I don't know.
- Sally Rogers: Well, I don't know either. That's their problem. My problem is I wanna get married.
- Sally Rogers: Listen, if any of you out there have a lazy brother, an unemployed uncle or a nutty nephew, you send 'em to me!
- Stevie Parsons: Okay, folks, you can mail those photos to...
- Sally Rogers: What photos? Send THEM. The zip code number's 7439824002.
- Stevie Parsons: Oh, my g... Sally, sorry, but we just run out of time.
- Sally Rogers: Well, wait a minute. I haven't finished zipping my code.
- Rob Petrie: You're not going back on there again?
- Sally Rogers: What, I thought you said you liked me last night.
- Rob Petrie: We loved ya last night, but all day we couldn't stand ya.
- Mel Cooley: Alan's been chewing my head off.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, is that how it happened?
- Mel Cooley: ROB!
- Rob Petrie: I'm sorry, Mel. I'm not myself today.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, he's gettin' to be more like me. Notice the improvement?
- Sally Rogers: Listen, you know that after the show, that switchboard was flooded!
- Buddy Sorrell: What happened? The sink in the washroom overflow?
- Rob Petrie: All right, we'll finish Alan's monologue, then we'll go to work on yours. Is that good enough?
- Sally Rogers: Oh, perfect, but would you mind writing mine first, please?
- Buddy Sorrell: Why should we write yours first?
- Sally Rogers: Well, Alan doesn't have to go to the beauty parlor, and Alan doesn't have to buy a new dress.
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, he should. The one he's got is very shabby.
- Buddy Sorrell: I can't read your stuff. What'd you do, write this with a dirty fingernail?
- Rob Petrie: Will you just stop giving me reviews and let me read it? Okay. "Alan..." "Alan entrances?..." Enters! "Alan enters and steps deed on his trucks."
- Buddy Sorrell: What's the matter? Can't you read? Terrible handwriting. That's "stops dead on his tracks." Your writing's awful. Hey, that's MY handwriting.
- Rob Petrie: What'd you do, write it with a dirty fingernail?
- Mel Cooley: W-where's Sally?
- Rob Petrie: Uh... dentist.
- Buddy Sorrell: [together with Rob] Foot doctor.
- Buddy Sorrell: Uh, b'uh... foot dentist. She had her big toe filled.
- Mel Cooley: Now, you're the head writer.
- Rob Petrie: So, Mel, what do you want me to do?
- Buddy Sorrell: Write him a new head.
- Sally Rogers: [as she exits] I love you both!
- Buddy Sorrell: [muttering] "I love you both." Boy, I wish she wouldn't have said that.
- Rob Petrie: Why?
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, because I feel guilty, uh, you know, hatin' somebody that loves me.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, I think that's kind of childish, Buddy.
- Buddy Sorrell: You mean you don't hate her?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, but I don't feel guilty about it.
- Rob Petrie: Well, couldn't you at least read it so we could write it back? What, did you flunk penmanship or something?
- Buddy Sorrell: "Read it so you can write it back?" What'd YOU flunk, tonguemanship?