The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
Three Letters from One Wife (1964)
Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie
Photos
Quotes
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[Rob can't take another week of Alan's anxieties and needling over a risky show that become preempted due to a flooded subway]
Laura Petrie : Rob, something has come up that I, as your wife, feel that you should know.
Rob Petrie : If it'll make me happy, go ahead and tell me, if not, save it, because it could drive me over the brink.
Millie Helper : [bursting out in tears] Oh, Rob, I'm so sorry! Y-you don't ever have to speak to me ever again.
Rob Petrie : [levelly] It's not gonna me me happy, is it?
Laura Petrie : I don't think so.
Rob Petrie : Did she kill Jerry?
Laura Petrie : Rob, is has to do with the program.
Rob Petrie : SHE flooded the subway?
Millie Helper : [distraught] I was only trying to help!
Rob Petrie : [incredulously] She DID flood the subway?
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Rob Petrie : Wish me luck. I'm goin' to Alan's office.
Sally Rogers : Okay.
Buddy Sorrell : I'll go with ya. I'll wait in the hall and be your lookout.
Rob Petrie : Look, I'm not gonna steal the letters. I gonna tell Alan the truth.
Buddy Sorrell : I'll still go along.
Sally Rogers : Look, if he's gonna tell the truth, he doesn't need a lookout.
Buddy Sorrell : Sure, he does. I'll stand out there, and when Alan throws him out the window, I'll yell, "LOOKOUT!"
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Rob Petrie : Anybody is welcome to have their own opinion about anything. Millie, get out of my house.
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Rob Petrie : [referring to his documentary script] The thing is, everybody knows that Alan is a great comedian. I thought this'd give him a chance to be something different.
Buddy Sorrell : Sure, a flop.
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Rob Petrie : I don't think I'm very smart.
Buddy Sorrell : Well, you're smart enough to know you're stupid.
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[Alan phones to decline Rob's request to host his documentary on comedy - something out of the norm for Alan - a rejection Rob is relieved to hear since failure of the documentary could cost him his job]
Alan Brady : I just think I'll stick to what I know is right for me.
Rob Petrie : [glad] Oh, sure, Alan. D'ya... you just weren't right for it.
Alan Brady : If you didn't think I was right for it in the first place, why did you show me the script?
Rob Petrie : But, well, now, no, in-in the first place, I-I thought you WERE right for it.
Alan Brady : But you've changed your mind.
Rob Petrie : No. No. I-I-I still think you're right for it.
Alan Brady : But you don't want me to do it.
Rob Petrie : Uh, well, look, Alan, let's put it this way. I'd... I'd... duh... I want you to do it, but it's... I don't want to force you.
Alan Brady : Rob, NOBODY forces Alan Brady to do ANYTHING.
Rob Petrie : That's right, Alan. I wouldn't force you. We'll get somebody else. That's all.
Alan Brady : Ah, Rob, you son of a gun, you did it. You really know how to use the psychology, don't you?
Rob Petrie : [now worried] ... Uh-huh...
Alan Brady : You win. I accept your challenge.
Rob Petrie : [tongue-tied] Wd-ah-wd-wd-ah-wh-ah...
Alan Brady : You don't say? Listen, Rob, are you trying to say there's something upsetting you here?
Rob Petrie : No, no! Oops, no, sir. I'm thrilled, Alan. I'm helple... ye... uh, uh, I'm, uh, I'm, uh... ha-ha-ha... speechless.
Alan Brady : After I do the show, Rob, you could be jobless, too. So long.
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Laura Petrie : Rob? Are you all right?
Rob Petrie : [laughing continuously] I couldn't be worse.
Millie Helper : Rob, what can I do?
Rob Petrie : Take advantage of my temporary insanity and get out of here.
[Millie runs out]
Laura Petrie : [trying to comfort Rob] Darling...
Rob Petrie : [unable to stop laughing] Don't touch me.
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Buddy Sorrell : Rob, listen to me. Steal the mail.
Rob Petrie : I can't. It's dishonest.
Buddy Sorrell : So I'LL Steal it.
Rob Petrie : So it's still dishonest.
Buddy Sorrell : No, I'll be like Robin Hood. I'll rob from the rich and give to the Rob.
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Rob Petrie : I wanna tell you that what-what may appear obvious on the, uh, surface may not be the same below the surface.
Alan Brady : Yeah, Lloyd Bridges proved that, didn't he?
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Alan Brady : And you suggested that I appear on this program?
Rob Petrie : Well, I wrote it for them Al, and they asked me for the greatest comedy mind in the country.
Mel Cooley : Yes and that of course is you, Alan.
Alan Brady : Mel, let him slice his own baloney.
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Mel Cooley : This is the first morning in 15 years he invited me to have coffee with him.
Rob Petrie : And just because you recommended... you've never had coffee with him?
Mel Cooley : He says I make him nauseous.
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Alan Brady : You sit up there in your ivory tower with your books and diplomas and you think you're smarter than me.
Rob Petrie : No, I never said that.
Alan Brady : Sure you do and so does Danny Dartmouth here.
Mel Cooley : No, Princeton.
Alan Brady : What's the difference and shut up.