The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Three Letters from One Wife (1964)

Carl Reiner: Alan Brady

Quotes 

• [repeated line] 

  Alan Brady : Shut up, Mel.

• Mel Cooley : Oh-oh-oh, this toupee seems to have less hair in it than the old one.

  Alan Brady : I ordered it that way. I wanna grow bald gracefully, not like you.

• Alan Brady : Mel, I'm thirsty.

  Mel Cooley : Oh, you want a drink, Alan?

  Alan Brady : No, a glass of dust.

• Alan Brady : Respect - that's almost as good as laughs.

• Mel Cooley : Now, shut up. Go to rehearsal, Alan. Ha-ha-ha.

  Alan Brady : "Shut up and go to rehearsal?" Don't do that. You're not that secure.

• [Alan phones to decline Rob's request to host his documentary on comedy - something out of the norm for Alan - a rejection Rob is relieved to hear since failure of the documentary could cost him his job] 

  Alan Brady : I just think I'll stick to what I know is right for me.

  Rob Petrie : [glad]  Oh, sure, Alan. D'ya... you just weren't right for it.

  Alan Brady : If you didn't think I was right for it in the first place, why did you show me the script?

  Rob Petrie : But, well, now, no, in-in the first place, I-I thought you WERE right for it.

  Alan Brady : But you've changed your mind.

  Rob Petrie : No. No. I-I-I still think you're right for it.

  Alan Brady : But you don't want me to do it.

  Rob Petrie : Uh, well, look, Alan, let's put it this way. I'd... I'd... duh... I want you to do it, but it's... I don't want to force you.

  Alan Brady : Rob, NOBODY forces Alan Brady to do ANYTHING.

  Rob Petrie : That's right, Alan. I wouldn't force you. We'll get somebody else. That's all.

  Alan Brady : Ah, Rob, you son of a gun, you did it. You really know how to use the psychology, don't you?

  Rob Petrie : [now worried]  ... Uh-huh...

  Alan Brady : You win. I accept your challenge.

  Rob Petrie : [tongue-tied]  Wd-ah-wd-wd-ah-wh-ah...

  Alan Brady : You don't say? Listen, Rob, are you trying to say there's something upsetting you here?

  Rob Petrie : No, no! Oops, no, sir. I'm thrilled, Alan. I'm helple... ye... uh, uh, I'm, uh, I'm, uh... ha-ha-ha... speechless.

  Alan Brady : After I do the show, Rob, you could be jobless, too. So long.

• Rob Petrie : I wanna tell you that what-what may appear obvious on the, uh, surface may not be the same below the surface.

  Alan Brady : Yeah, Lloyd Bridges proved that, didn't he?

• Alan Brady : And you suggested that I appear on this program?

  Rob Petrie : Well, I wrote it for them Al, and they asked me for the greatest comedy mind in the country.

  Mel Cooley : Yes and that of course is you, Alan.

  Alan Brady : Mel, let him slice his own baloney.

• Alan Brady : You sit up there in your ivory tower with your books and diplomas and you think you're smarter than me.

  Rob Petrie : No, I never said that.

  Alan Brady : Sure you do and so does Danny Dartmouth here.

  Mel Cooley : No, Princeton.

  Alan Brady : What's the difference and shut up.