- Buddy Sorrell: And Uncle Lou is a great shoe salesman. He's the greatest in the business. Look, he sells shoes like I write jokes.
- Sally Rogers: He sells old shoes?
- Millie Helper: Gee, I can't make up my mind between the black evening shoes and the sneakers.
- Buddy Sorrell: Black evening shoes and sneakers? What, are you going to a formal tennis game?
- Sally Rogers: What is with you and that shoe store?
- Buddy Sorrell: It's a good business, and with a little extra money could be a great business. Come on. What have you got to lose?
- Rob Petrie: Our money.
- Buddy Sorrell: Ya can't lose. If anything goes wrong, I can always be your hostage.
- Rob Petrie: You're not worth that much.
- Rob Petrie: Underwear's not the most important thing in the whole world.
- Laura Petrie: Unless you're wearing a tweed suit.
- Sid: I wish I had a thousand customers like you.
- Millie Helper: You do?
- Sid: Yeah. I got TWO thousand.
- [Sid quits, leaving Buddy and Rob in charge when a customer walks in]
- Buddy Sorrell: YOU wait on the guy.
- Rob Petrie: [in a desperate half-whisper] I don't know how.
- Buddy Sorrell: It's easy. You bought shoes, didn't you? It's the same thing only you face the other way and sit lower.
- Buddy Sorrell: What're you lookin' at?
- Rob Petrie: Huh? Oh, uh, nothin'. I'm...
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, next time you see it, lemme know.
- Buddy Sorrell: I knew the minute I saw a guy with a head like a lightbulb it was bound to light up with something good.
- Buddy Sorrell: You're the greatest guy I ever met and anything I ever said about you before, forget it. You're a prince among men, Mel. Believe me, you're the greatest guy...
- Sally Rogers: Either we're in the wrong office or this is the Twilight Zone.