Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series)

Clip Job (1995)

Jason Alexander: Eric Duckman

Quotes 

• Eric Duckman : [each sentence is a clip from a previous episode]  You long-haired, fat-bellied, goofy-tattooed, 60's throwback Village People wannabe biker freak! Mantra-chanting, incense-breathing, herb-sucking yahoos! Brainless, knuckle-dragging ball hogs! Cheese-eating, cocoa-guzzling yodelers! Thin-skinned, no-humored pansies! Dim-bulb melon head! Mindless pod people! The Magical Mystery Turd! Dancing Queen! Dipstick! Sushi sucker! Butt-head! What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at?

• Harry Medfly : Don't you see? TV's sole reason to exist is to sell products. Crime pays, as long as you have a sponsor.

  Eric Duckman : [to himself]  This guy's bug house. It's time to use the old "reverse psychology".

  [to Harry Medfly] 

  Eric Duckman : Uh, you're right, Medfly. I am the reason TV's become a cesspool of decay and degradation. Get rid of me and all the world's problems will disappear.

  Harry Medfly : Okay.

  Eric Duckman : Damn. He's good.

• Harry Medfly : You're part of the reason the country's a grisly, grim pit of eels. Did you know there were over 500 murders in this country the week after "The Terminator" aired?

  Eric Duckman : How about the week before?

  Harry Medfly : 500. But that's not the point.

• Harry Medfly : [having hooked Duckman up to a device]  There you are, Duckman: Cable ready. When I switch on this TV, the signal from that dish will go straight to you. The force of 500 soul-destroying channels frying the second favorite part of your body.

  Eric Duckman : Well, I don't like the sound of it, but I guess I can do without my right hand.

  Harry Medfly : I meant your BRAIN, Potsie! Now you'll know what it feels like to be force-fed the filth that TV passes off as "entertainment"; that holds a pervo like you up as a role model.

  Eric Duckman : "Role model?" Hey, I'm a water fowl! I'm not a TV show! Even if I were, any halfway intelligent audience would know I'm not somebody to imitate. Who'd aspire to imitate someone who's gotten the stuffing kicked out of him so many times, the only reason he gets up in the morning is because either he's really stupid, or somewhere, deep down inside, beats the heart of a disappointed, yet still hopeful, idealist. A yellow, YES YELLOW!, teller of truth, who's a spokesperson for the silent masses who'd love to tell it like it is, who's an idol to be emulated, nay, a GOD, to be bowed down to!... But, heh, I'm... I'm not a role model.