- Uncle Mo Dorkin: Hurry up, ya moron, I'm stuck here with dweedledum, dweedledummer and dweedle-what-a-friggin-moron.
- Beverly: Yes fan-Guccio-tastic.
- Eric Duckman: Yeah! Say... You're not going to go spouting that anti-Penthouse pro-feminist mumbo-jumbo are you?
- Beverly: No not at all. If I made you give up Penthouse then to be consistent I'd have to give up Play Girl and I am not doing that. Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!
- [Short pause]
- Beverly: Excuse me I have to finish unpacking.
- [Beverly runs upstairs]
- Eric Duckman: I've got a chance to do something I haven't done since the seventh grade.
- Cornfed: Date fifth-grade girls?
- Eric Duckman: Ah, good morrow, gentle Vic. I think it was the poet Yeats who said, "morning has broken the first blackbird in the dead of night."
- Beverly: Talk about your blank verse.
- Cornfed: It's from "The Big Book of Psychotic Nonsense."
- Joe Walsh: [singing to the tune of "Life's Been Good"] # My name is Moe and I was an old man/It took me hours to go to the can/Time made me deaf, made it harder to see/Enlarged my prostate so I couldn't pee/I was a mean and vindictive old guy/Nobody liked me, not hard to see why/But Heaven can take me, it really still can/if all of you girls will sleep with Duckman/ Lucky I'm dead after all I've been through/Everybody say oy-vey. #
- All: Oy vey.
- Joe Walsh: # I can't complain but sometimes I still do/Life was good to me 'til now. '
- Joe Walsh: Hey, man, Duckman, you gotta do something about your driveway. It's covered in grass.
- Cornfed: Uh, Joe. That's not a driveway. You parked on Ben Stein's lawn.
- Joe Walsh: Oh, that must've been the guy who was yelling "you're on my lawn, you're on my lawn." I thought he wanted me to play "All Night Long."