Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series)

They Craved Duckman's Brain! (1996)

Ron Perlman: Roland Thompson

Quotes 

• Roland Thompson : [pointing a gun at Duckman]  I'm not in the health business, Mr. Duckman, I'm in the health CARE business. The more beds I fill, the more profits I make. But it does me no good to fill them with sniffles and sprained ankles and other low-rent maladies. That's why we invented the $12 aspirin, the $8 cotton ball: To increase profit margin on lesser diseases.

  Eric Duckman : [to himself]  They never just kill you. There's always a lecture. Oy.

  Roland Thompson : You come in with, say, a bad back, you'll get X-rays, M.R.I.s, bone scans, diskograms, myelograms, and $60,000 later, we sell you a $400 heating pad you could have bought at the drugstore for 30 bucks. But it's not enough.

  [whispering] 

  Roland Thompson : Not nearly. No.

  [normal volume] 

  Roland Thompson : We need the premium patients. Big-money procedures like coronary bypass, gall bladder removal, pulmonary wedge resection, unnecessary hysterectomies!

  [foams at the mouth, then runs to the bathroom] 

  Roland Thompson : [...]  ... Laparoscopies, barium enemas, but the big kahuna the everlasting gob-stopper the grand mack daddy of them all is cancer. Cancer alone accounts for 53% of our annual profits. The needless diagnostics, hopeless therapies, experimental drugs, it's a dream come true!

  [exits the bathroom] 

  Roland Thompson : Whew. I was afraid while I was in there, you'd escape.

  [Duckman slaps himself on the forehead] 

  Roland Thompson : Now, where was I?

  Eric Duckman : [through gritted teeth]  "Cancer is a dream come true."

  Roland Thompson : Oh, right. Yes, yes, the chewy profit center in the middle of a health care lolly protected by a cartel of businessmen who depend on cancer to keep them in business.