Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series)

They Craved Duckman's Brain! (1996)

Jason Alexander: Eric Duckman

Quotes 

• Roland Thompson : [pointing a gun at Duckman]  I'm not in the health business, Mr. Duckman, I'm in the health CARE business. The more beds I fill, the more profits I make. But it does me no good to fill them with sniffles and sprained ankles and other low-rent maladies. That's why we invented the $12 aspirin, the $8 cotton ball: To increase profit margin on lesser diseases.

  Eric Duckman : [to himself]  They never just kill you. There's always a lecture. Oy.

  Roland Thompson : You come in with, say, a bad back, you'll get X-rays, M.R.I.s, bone scans, diskograms, myelograms, and $60,000 later, we sell you a $400 heating pad you could have bought at the drugstore for 30 bucks. But it's not enough.

  [whispering] 

  Roland Thompson : Not nearly. No.

  [normal volume] 

  Roland Thompson : We need the premium patients. Big-money procedures like coronary bypass, gall bladder removal, pulmonary wedge resection, unnecessary hysterectomies!

  [foams at the mouth, then runs to the bathroom] 

  Roland Thompson : [...]  ... Laparoscopies, barium enemas, but the big kahuna the everlasting gob-stopper the grand mack daddy of them all is cancer. Cancer alone accounts for 53% of our annual profits. The needless diagnostics, hopeless therapies, experimental drugs, it's a dream come true!

  [exits the bathroom] 

  Roland Thompson : Whew. I was afraid while I was in there, you'd escape.

  [Duckman slaps himself on the forehead] 

  Roland Thompson : Now, where was I?

  Eric Duckman : [through gritted teeth]  "Cancer is a dream come true."

  Roland Thompson : Oh, right. Yes, yes, the chewy profit center in the middle of a health care lolly protected by a cartel of businessmen who depend on cancer to keep them in business.

• Dr. Craig Ehrlich : A wise man once said: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

  Eric Duckman : Hey, that "wise man" was Mr. Spock, and the only reason he felt that way is because he knew they'd send his body to the Genesis Planet so he could come back to life.

  Cornfed Pig : Actually, he thought they were gonna bring him to Vulcan to be reborn.

  Charles : Yeah, the Genesis Planet was just a happy accident.

  Bernice : Y'know, all Picard has to do is to send Kirk's body to the Genesis Planet, then he could come back to life.

  Ajax : But the Nexus destroyed Kirk's body.

  Mambo : Hey, what if they did that "slingshot around the sun" thing, went back in time a couple days, and beamed Kirk and Picard some big guns to kill Malcolm McDowell with?

  Bernice : Oh he was so good in "Time After Time".

  Cornfed Pig : What about "Clockwork Orange"?

  Ajax : That was awesome.

  Dr. Craig Ehrlich : Shut up, shut up, shut up!