Tom Cavanagh: Ed Stevens

Quotes 

• Judge : Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney?

  Ed Stevens : Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing myself in this matter.

  Judge : Haven't you heard the saying, "He who represents himself has a fool for a client"?

  Ed Stevens : Yes I have. And I tried my best to convince me not to hire me to represent myself, but I simply refused to listen to me.

  Judge : [not amused]  I trust that'll be your last attempt at self-representation humor?

  Ed Stevens : Yes sir.

• Warren Cheswick : Some guys are losers, but I invent whole new ways of being a loser. I should be, like, voted into the Loser Hall of Fame.

  Ed Stevens : No, no. Warren, do you have any idea what you did here tonight? You did something that I never, never had the guts to do when I was your age. You seized the day. You stood up. You took your shot. You can sleep easy tonight, my man. No regrets.

• Judge : [after Ed's closing statements]  I sympathize with you, Mr. Stevens. I once spent three hot summer days waiting for an air conditioner in my underwear. How that air conditioner got in my underwear, I'll never know.

  [Ed snickers] 

  Judge : Tip of the hat to Groucho Marx. Anyway, I intend to use the power of this court to teach Tucker's Appliances a lesson. Mr. Jenkins, your claim of $4600 is denied.

  Ed Stevens : Thank you, Your Honor.

  Judge : I'm not finished. Mr. Stevens, Tucker's Appliances was not the only victim of your prank. You wasted the valuable, dare I say, PRICELESS time of every customer who showed up at that store hoping to win the contest. I'm going to require that you send each of them a handwritten letter of apology, 100 words or more. I know, it sounds a little like 3rd grade, but it's all I could think of. Court adjourned.

• Ed Stevens : [Ed's closing statements]  Your Honor, I recently moved into a new place. And the previous owner was this wonderful, wonderful elderly gentleman who, as it turns out, hadn't bought a new appliance since... well, since the days when people rode around on those bikes with the giant front wheel and the tiny back wheel. Anyway, what I had was an icebox and what I needed was a refrigerator. So I took myself down to Tucker's Appliances and I plunked down 300 bucks for a brand new one. What happened next was what happens to thousands, no, MILLIONS of consumers a year: I was treated like garbage. Garbage. Now, Mr. Stansley here, he makes a fair point. He says I simply could've sued instead of taking the matters into my own hands. But you see, say I had sued and won. What happens next? Tucker's Appliances simply pays me some money. But you see, Your Honor, what they took from me wasn't money. It was time. Twenty four hours of time. Now you can always make more money; you can never make more time. It's priceless. So the way I look at it, for 4600 bucks, Tucker's Appliances got off cheap. Thank you.

• Warren Cheswick : What's the point? What's the point? I mean, Tim Cooper is an overdeveloped jackass. Tim Cooper is a self-centered thug. But at the end of the day, who does Jessica Martell leave the party with? Ding ding ding ding! Cooper, 'cause girls like Jessica Martell, they always leave the party with guys like Tim Cooper.

  Ed Stevens : Okay Warren, but there's one detail you got wrong there. This isn't the end of the day.

  Warren Cheswick : What is it then?

  Ed Stevens : It's just the first half. Guys like Tim Cooper, they always win the first half.

  Warren Cheswick : And what happens in the second half?

  Ed Stevens : Well in the second half, Tim Cooper winds up selling pharmaceuticals, spending all his time thinking back on how great high school was.

  Warren Cheswick : What about me? What happens to me?

  Ed Stevens : You?

  [He pauses, smiling] 

  Ed Stevens : You get the girl.