- Robert Barone: [complaining to God about his life] You are not funny!
- Debra Barone: [whispers to Raymond] He does screw with him a lot.
- Robert Barone: [Ray and Robert are arguing who Marie should live with] How about I hit you with your own wife?
- Debra Barone: I don't understand, Marie and Frank seem so happy here.
- Scott: I assure you, they're the only ones.
- Marie Barone: So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this
- [pointing at the exercise machine]
- Robert Barone: Do you even know what that is, Ma?
- Marie Barone: Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are!... this is a sex machine.
- Robert Barone: Ma!
- Frank Barone: Can I go for a ride?
- Amy MacDougall Barone: It's not a sex machine. It's for exercise.
- Marie Barone: I don't care what you call it. Look at this place. You two have turned my home into the Playboy Mansion
- Debra Barone: Marie said she was in "The Unsinkable Molly Brown".
- Katie: That is now a one-woman show.