- Maggie's Boyfriend: So all that stuff about your husband "polishing his Oscar", was that supposed to mean wanking?
- Kate Winslet: Yep.
- Maggie's Boyfriend: And your basement meant?
- Kate Winslet: My fanny.
- [Andy and Maggie, in costume as a German refugee and a Nazi soldier, are discussing her new boyfriend between takes]
- Maggie Jacobs: [quietly, embarrassed] He likes to talk dirty on the phone. He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth.
- Andy Millman: Why... would you tell me that?
- [grinning]
- Andy Millman: What does he say?
- Maggie Jacobs: He calls up and says things like "Ooh... what are you doing?"
- Andy Millman: What do you say?
- Maggie Jacobs: Well I didn't know what was going on at first - I didn't realize - and I was just honest with him and I said "Oh, I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer to the fridge."
- Andy Millman: [bursts out laughing] What if he thought that was a euphemism? "Ooh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer. Ooh, I'm scrubbing my front step." Have you talked dirty back to him?
- Maggie Jacobs: No, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say something and he just laughs at me, or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?
- Andy Millman: Well no, it's just stuff like "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."
- [they laugh]
- Kate Winslet: [getting coffee behind them in her nun's habit] Sounds interesting.
- Andy Millman: Hey. Not me, her.
- Kate Winslet: Go on.
- Andy Millman: [pause, then in a rush] Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
- Kate Winslet: Oh yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Why don't you just start with something light, you know, like um - "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa-Loompas," you know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, run with the old classics, like "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret." And then go straight in hard, like "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?
- Maggie Jacobs: [incredibly uncomfortable] Yeah.
- Kate Winslet: Okay? Back on.
- [stands up, walks away]
- Andy Millman: [to her as she walks away] Love to Sam Mendes.
- [stunned, to Maggie]
- Andy Millman: Kate Winslet, talking dirty to Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels, just another normal day.
- Andy Millman: I think, you know, you doing this is so commendable - you know, using your profile to keep the message alive about the Holocaust.
- Kate Winslet: My God, I'm not doing it for that. And I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been? You know, we get it - it was grim, move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust - guaranteed Oscar!
- Andy's Agent: All right, mate! Come and check this out. I just typed in fifty eight thousand and eight into a calculator, erm, and low and behold, amazingly, it comes up BOOBS! You see that? That's worth knowing, isn't it?
- Maggie Jacobs: Oh, how was the date?
- Andy Millman: The date. Um, oh, good. Let me just go over some highlights for you. Lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians, some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered. So insulted them and their belief system, made a woman hate me for the rest of her life. Yeah? Didn't believe in God before. Definitely going to hell.
- Andy Millman: [Andy and Mike are in the prop room] Where's this stuff come from?
- Mike: Just buy it.
- Andy Millman: What, there's a shop for a 30-foot swastika, is there?
- Mike: No, I got that from Mum. It's my nan's.
- Maggie Jacobs: I think I need to go for a wee.
- [sigh]
- Maggie Jacobs: That's the third one already.
- Andy Millman: Good. Well, keep me posted throughout the week. Maybe keep a journal.