- Father Dougal McGuire: [Looking out the Window at the modest crowd of middle-aged women] I'm no good at judging the size of crowds but I'd say there's around seventeen million of them out there
- Father Jack Hackett: They lie in wait like wolves, the smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting, interminably waiting, and then...
- Father Dougal McGuire: [nodding] He's right, you know, Ted.
- Patsy: [At the end of their visit] Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
- Father Ted Crilly: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
- Eoin McLove: I have no willy!
- Father Ted Crilly: We need something that will keep them away from the house, something to distract them... but what?
- [Ted and Dougal sit there thinking]
- Father Dougal McGuire: A diversion! That's what it's called, a diversion!
- Eoin McLove: [Father Ted on Eoin's quiz show] Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became Pope?
- Father Ted Crilly: [long pause across end credits] Jim?
- Father Ted Crilly: Eoin!
- Eoin McLove: What?
- Father Ted Crilly: Don't eat the jam from the jar!
- Eoin McLove: You leave me alone. I can have you killed.
- Eoin McLove: I've got a terrible secret.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Do you?
- Eoin McLove: Yeah.
- Father Dougal McGuire: What is it?
- Eoin McLove: I'm not telling you.