Filthy Rich & Catflap (TV Series)

Episode #1.4 (1987)

Adrian Edmondson: Edward Catflap

Quotes 

• Edward Catflap : [During a brainstorming session to come up with a new idea for an advert]  I've always thought that Corn Flakes look a bit like people.

  Richard Rich : [sighs]  And after briefly dipping his toe in the waters of reason, the man with no brain happily retreats to frollic on Insanity Beach.

• Richard Rich : [off screen]  Oh, I'm stretched on the rack of my own genius!

  Ralph Filthy : And what is wrong with the boy Richie?

  Edward Catflap : Well, he's trying to write a novel but he keeps on coming up against the same huge lack of talent.

• Richard Rich : Despairing of modern technology, I allowed my genius to flow through a simple, old fashioned medium. I dug out me old ballpoint.

  Edward Catflap : Oo-er.

  Richard Rich : Please Eddie, I'm not in the mood.

  Ralph Filthy : So you have written a nov then?

  Richard Rich : Better. I have mastered the highest and most complex art form known to man: I have perfected a game show formula.

• Richard Rich : This is my minder, Edward Catflap.

  Jumbo Whiffy : Terrific, terrific, well look, go get yourselves in there and we'll have a drink, you pair of old tarts.

  [laughs and slaps Richie on the back as he pushes him in] 

  Edward Catflap : Don't mind if we do, you rectum-faced bucket of sex sauce.

• Jumbo Whiffy : Richie, let me put it this way: when I first came into this office, there was a fat old drunk sat behind that desk mumbling platitudes. And it was me. And I'm still there. You see the way I'm thinking, Richard?

  Richard Rich : Yes.

  Edward Catflap : No.

• Edward Catflap : What about that dog you're supposed to wipe your bottom with?

  Richard Rich : If you are referring to the gorgeous little anthrax pup, Edward. It's got a toilet roll in its mouth, the idea is the paper's so lovely and soft, that...

  Edward Catflap : It's like wiping your bottom with a puppy!

  Ralph Filthy : Perhaps what they're saying is the paper's so bad, you might as well feed it to the dog.

  Richard Rich : Except they've got an elephant in the new ad, so where does that fit in?

  Edward Catflap : Urgh! I shouldn't think it would fit in!

  Ralph Filthy : No, they're saying "Feed the paper to the dog."

  Edward Catflap : "And wipe your bottom with the elephant."

• Landlord : [Rich and Eddie have been thrown out of a pub after accidentally provoking the gay clientele]  And don't come back until you've liberated your sexual politics, or you'll get a murder, all right?

  Richard Rich : How dare he? I'm completely liberated! I work in the Theater! Some of my best friends are trousers bandits! I just wouldn't want any of them near my daughter, that's all.

  Edward Catflap : But you haven't got a daughter, have you? What's more, you're very unlikely to have one. 'Cause the chances of any woman letting you within a billion miles of her action are completely non-existent!

  Richard Rich : You're a cruel, spiteful little viper, aren't you Eddie? Christian virtue is a foreign language. Kindness and good fellowship are closed books, aren't they? Come on, let's go and kill my dad.

• Jumbo Whiffy : Oh, sod off, you old queen!

  [Bops Richie playfully on the shoulder] 

  Richard Rich : Oh!

  [Punches Jumbo playfully in the gut] 

  Richard Rich : up yours, you old rancid, dribbling zit!

  Edward Catflap : Yeah, screw you, you complacent, misogynistic, bum-splat!

  [Smacks Jumbo right in the face with a right hook]