- Edward Catflap: [During a brainstorming session to come up with a new idea for an advert] I've always thought that Corn Flakes look a bit like people.
- Richard Rich: [sighs] And after briefly dipping his toe in the waters of reason, the man with no brain happily retreats to frollic on Insanity Beach.
- Richard Rich: [off screen] Oh, I'm stretched on the rack of my own genius!
- Ralph Filthy: And what is wrong with the boy Richie?
- Edward Catflap: Well, he's trying to write a novel but he keeps on coming up against the same huge lack of talent.
- Richard Rich: Despairing of modern technology, I allowed my genius to flow through a simple, old fashioned medium. I dug out me old ballpoint.
- Edward Catflap: Oo-er.
- Richard Rich: Please Eddie, I'm not in the mood.
- Ralph Filthy: So you have written a nov then?
- Richard Rich: Better. I have mastered the highest and most complex art form known to man: I have perfected a game show formula.
- Richard Rich: This is my minder, Edward Catflap.
- Jumbo Whiffy: Terrific, terrific, well look, go get yourselves in there and we'll have a drink, you pair of old tarts.
- [laughs and slaps Richie on the back as he pushes him in]
- Edward Catflap: Don't mind if we do, you rectum-faced bucket of sex sauce.
- Jumbo Whiffy: You've met Jill, I take it? I don't know what I'd do without her, terrific pair of eh... eyes, eh?
- [indicating her bosom with his hands as he laughs]
- Richard Rich: Yeah, and fantastic knockers as well, hasn't she?
- Jumbo Whiffy: Richie, let me put it this way: when I first came into this office, there was a fat old drunk sat behind that desk mumbling platitudes. And it was me. And I'm still there. You see the way I'm thinking, Richard?
- Richard Rich: Yes.
- Edward Catflap: No.
- Edward Catflap: What about that dog you're supposed to wipe your bottom with?
- Richard Rich: If you are referring to the gorgeous little anthrax pup, Edward. It's got a toilet roll in its mouth, the idea is the paper's so lovely and soft, that...
- Edward Catflap: It's like wiping your bottom with a puppy!
- Ralph Filthy: Perhaps what they're saying is the paper's so bad, you might as well feed it to the dog.
- Richard Rich: Except they've got an elephant in the new ad, so where does that fit in?
- Edward Catflap: Urgh! I shouldn't think it would fit in!
- Ralph Filthy: No, they're saying "Feed the paper to the dog."
- Edward Catflap: "And wipe your bottom with the elephant."
- Landlord: [Rich and Eddie have been thrown out of a pub after accidentally provoking the gay clientele] And don't come back until you've liberated your sexual politics, or you'll get a murder, all right?
- Richard Rich: How dare he? I'm completely liberated! I work in the Theater! Some of my best friends are trousers bandits! I just wouldn't want any of them near my daughter, that's all.
- Edward Catflap: But you haven't got a daughter, have you? What's more, you're very unlikely to have one. 'Cause the chances of any woman letting you within a billion miles of her action are completely non-existent!
- Richard Rich: You're a cruel, spiteful little viper, aren't you Eddie? Christian virtue is a foreign language. Kindness and good fellowship are closed books, aren't they? Come on, let's go and kill my dad.
- Jumbo Whiffy: Oh, sod off, you old queen!
- [Bops Richie playfully on the shoulder]
- Richard Rich: Oh!
- [Punches Jumbo playfully in the gut]
- Richard Rich: up yours, you old rancid, dribbling zit!
- Edward Catflap: Yeah, screw you, you complacent, misogynistic, bum-splat!
- [Smacks Jumbo right in the face with a right hook]