Frasier (TV Series)
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast (1994)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Quotes
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Martin Crane : Elaine's a buyer at Bon Marché.
Frasier : Oh, really, really? I do-do a great deal of shopping there. As a matter of fact, I bought the comforter on Dad's bed there, and, well, I supposed you noticed that... maybe you didn't--I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on, or... I mean, I don't know how you like it... I mean, how you... light it! How you like to light it! -
[Daphne puts a plate of sausages on the table]
Frasier : Oh, banger, Dad?
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Frasier : [surprised to find that his father's date spent the night] So, what did you two kids do last night? Play some games?--I mean board games. Not that you were bored--or excited--not that I'd know anything--or should--but... warm buns, Elaine! No, not yours! Ours, ours! To eat, you see!
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Daphne : I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier : You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne : Well, I'm giving it a try. You know--"Elaine in 1410, come to dinner! Come to dinner!
Frasier : Well, that's very charming, but Elaine's in 1412.
Daphne : Oh, dear. I guess I'd better set another place at the table.
-
Frasier : Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
Roz Doyle : We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school.
Frasier : Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan : Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier : How old are you?
Ethan : I'm 13.
Frasier : Well, uh, what can I do for you?
Ethan : Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier : Why do you think that's so?
Ethan : Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ, I'm in the astronomy club, and I hate sports.
Frasier : Well, Ethan, you know, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan : That's it?
Frasier : Yes.
Ethan : Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic, and in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier : Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan : Home.
Frasier : Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.
-
Martin Crane : [to Niles] All right, what's going on? Frasier wants me out of here because he has a date or something?
Niles : I'm sorry, Frasier, he sees things that others don't.
Frasier : Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should have asked you myself.
Martin Crane : Oh, that's all right.
[sitting in his chair]
Martin Crane : Yeah, I'll clear out. But just remember, one hand washes the other around here.
Frasier : What does that mean?
Martin Crane : Well, as long as I'm clearing out for you Friday night, you can clear out for me Thursday night. I've got a date with Elaine Morris from 1412.
Frasier : Oh! Well, well. How long has this been going on?
[In the background, Niles stands behind his chair, grinning widely]
Martin Crane : Oh, she's had me over for coffee a couple of times. Just thought I'd like to have her over here for dinner.
[without looking back]
Martin Crane : Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face.
[Niles looks offended]
Martin Crane : What do you say, Frasier?
Frasier : Well, sure, Dad. I think that's terrific. Oh listen, if there's a lull in the conversation, we've got all kind of board games back here in the closet, we've got playing cards--does she like to play Canasta?
Niles : Oh! And PBS is running a wonderful documentary on the swing bands of the '30s and '40s.
Frasier : Ooh, wow...
Martin Crane : Well, thanks a lot for all your help, boys, but I think we'll just split a bowl of creamed corn, rub a little liniment into each other's joints, and fall asleep drooling on the couch!
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[first lines]
Frasier : ...and though washing one's hands 20 to 30 times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
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[last lines]
Dr. Frasier Crane : It's ironic, isn't it? My 63-year-old father with a bum hip is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both attractive and eligible and in the prime of our lives, have nothing to do on a Saturday night.
Daphne Moon : You know, the answer to our problems may be right under our noses.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, Daphne, I think it is.
Daphne Moon : All right. You go claim the washing machines, I'll go get the laundry.
-
Dr. Frasier Crane : Now, listen, Niles, I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.
Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Why, you have plans Friday?
Dr. Niles Crane : No, I have plans Saturday.
-
Dr. Frasier Crane : Now, I'd like to end today's show on something of a personal note. I'm talking to one person in my audience. Elaine--you wouldn't answer my phone calls, you wouldn't come to the door, so I hope you're listening. And if you are, I want to apologize for what I said on the radio. I took something that was of a private nature and turned it into public knowledge. I promise I will never do that again--well, except for this time, then I promise I'll never do it again.
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Dr. Frasier Crane : Morning, Dad. So... How was your date last night, huh? Ha, boy, feels strange, you know? A son asking his father how his date was last night.
[Elaine walks in, pinning in one of her earrings]
Dr. Frasier Crane : ... When he could ask the date herself.
-
Roz Doyle : We have Marianne on line four. She's concerned about her daughter.
Dr. Frasier Crane : [on air] Hello Marianne, I'm listening.
Marianne : Kids--you can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, as we try to forget the image that summons up, how can I help you, Marianne?
Marianne : Well, two days ago, Judy, my 22-year-old, arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend. I insisted that they sleep in separate bedrooms. She got furious with me, and she's been giving me dirty looks all week. Am I completely out of line here?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Not at all. I, I think that in your own house you make up the rules.
Marianne : Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane : But... are we sure there isn't something else going on here? Perhaps you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult. You see, we all have a tendency to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable. Especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sex. You know, let me use myself as an example. As many of you know, my 63-year old father recently moved in with me and, just this morning over coffee, I discovered that he had spent the night in his room with a delightful creature named Elaine. The entire episode completely unnerved me. Why? Because I had never thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges. To me he was always just plain old Dad. Well, that's absurd. My father is a witty, virile, charming man, possessed of the hereditary Crane good looks. I suppose what I'm driving at is, that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, at any age. I think it's time we embrace that, don't you, Marianne?
Marianne : Sorry, Dr. Crane, I've gotta go. I'm hearing noises from the guest room.
[hangs up]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, as Marianne rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice water, we will pause for these messages.
