Frasier (TV Series)

The Kid (1997)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Frasier : Roz, I'm going to tell you something that I didn't learn until I became a father. You don't just love your children. You fall in love with them.

• [Martin emerges from the men's room at Cafe Nervosa] 

  Martin Crane : Boy, I can't stand these yuppie joints. Some bozo went through the bathroom, correcting all the grammar in the graffiti with a red pen.

  Frasier : Yes, I noticed.

  Martin Crane : I mean, who'd have that much time on his hands?

  Frasier : Unbelievable!

  Martin Crane : It was Niles, wasn't it?

  Frasier : I'll talk to him again.

• Rick : Hey, Roz! How you doing?

  Roz : Fine, thanks.

  Rick : Well, what can I get you?

  Roz : Uh, I'll have a decaf.

  Rick : Be right back.

  [Rick goes to the counter] 

  Frasier : He's a nice kid, Rick.

  Roz : Yes, he is.

  Frasier : Working here to put himself through school, right?

  Roz : Yes, he is.

  Frasier : He's the father, isn't he?

  Roz : Yes, he is.

• Roz : When you were a junior in college, if a woman came to you and told you she was carrying your child, wouldn't you have been devastated?

  Frasier : In my case, I would have been mystified.

• Roz : [breaking down crying after finding out her milk expired]  Don't you get it? Milk's a staple! I let a staple go bad! Mothers don't let staples go bad! How can I take care of a baby when I can't even keep fresh milk in the house? Kids NEED milk!

  Frasier : Roz, if it helps, babies don't even drink milk for the first year.

  Roz : You see? I didn't even know that!

  Frasier : Well I didn't find out either until after I was a father.

  Roz : Don't you get it? I have to know EVERYTHING! You can know HALF of everything. You can know about the milk and Lilith can know about the booties and the snugglies.

  Frasier : You never met Lilith, did you?

• Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe : So, Roz, who's the proud papa? You got it narrowed down yet?

  [laughs] 

  Roz : That's nice, very nice. Frasier, will you excuse us?

  Frasier : Yes, of course. Just remember the baby's future, Roz. Try to make it look like an accident.

  [Frasier leaves] 

  Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe : Look, I was just kidding. I'm sure you probably know who the dad is.

  Roz : Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember Janet's party a couple months ago? You got really drunk and I drove you home?

  Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe : Yeah... what about it?

  Roz : Well, you invited me up, and I guess I'd had a few myself, because the next thing I knew...

  Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe : [terrified]  No, whoa - I don't believe this. I don't even remember us...

  Roz : Now calm down, Bulldog.

  Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe : No, come on, please, just tell me you're joking!

  Roz : Look, we don't have to get married right away...

  Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe : Oh, man! Oh, man!

  [he paces, chewing his knuckles; she caresses his back] 

  Roz : I thought you'd be happy about this. I mean, we were wonderful together. When you made love to me, you were so tender and caring...

  Bob 'Bull Dog' Briscoe : Hey, whoa! Ha, ha! "Tender and caring?" No way was that me! Yeah, you almost had me! Good one, Roz!

• Frasier : You get to share your life with a remarkable little creature... who only lives in the present, runs around naked without the slightest bit of shame, and can entertain himself for hours just staring at a shiny object. Isn't that wonderful?

  Roz : Isn't that Bulldog?

• Frasier : Morning, Roz!

  Roz : Frasier? What are you doing here?

  Frasier : Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

• Frasier : Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?

  Martin Crane : Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some foundation garments.

  Frasier : I think they call them "bras" now.

  Martin Crane : Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

• Frasier : Talk to me.

  Roz : I don't even know where to start. Everything in my life is about to change. My body, my love life...

  Frasier : Yes. But it's also going to change in fantastic ways. I remember the first night I brought Frederick home from the hospital. You put this tiny thing into a tiny little bed and you look around and realize that the entire house has changed.

• Roz : [thinking Rick's knocking at the door]  I said go away!

  Frasier : BUT-I-JUST-GOT-HERE!

• Frasier : The father of your child is a teenager!

  Roz : Well, of course he is not a teenager! He had a birthday three weeks ago! Look, we just went out for a couple of weeks, and then it was over, there were no hard feelings. It is a little embarrassing, though, him being seven years younger than I am...

  [off Frasier's look] 

  Roz : Oh, put your eyebrows down! I've seen your driver's license, and you don't weigh no "one-seventy"!