Frasier (TV Series)

The Maris Counselor (1998)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Dr. Niles Crane : You know, I said I wanted closure, but I won't have it until I do one more thing...

  [He takes off his wedding ring and goes to the balcony] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, be careful, Niles, from this height that could hurt somebody.

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, all clear.

  [throws the ring and shouts] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!

  Martin : Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?

  [Niles looks down] 

  Martin : Whoa! Oh, well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.

• Dr. Niles Crane : In half an hour I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop!

  Dr. Niles Crane : I'm sorry, you'll have to look over the files yourself. You see, every Friday evening Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens. Invariably she comes inside randy as a stoat. Well tonight, she's going to find me, waiting in her bed, as randy as a... nother stoat.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Not true, not true, that's really what I wanted to tell you. Maris and I are back on the expressway to love! Well, if not the expressway, then at least the on-ramp.

• Dr. Niles Crane : And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh that's very flattering, Niles...

  Dr. Niles Crane : Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor. And he is nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am. It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. I-I don't know exactly what to call it.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : The words "Krazy Glue" leap to mind.

• Dr. Niles Crane : 15 years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.

  Martin : Geez, I didn't need to hear that!

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Hmm, a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?

  Dr. Niles Crane : The heat from her side of the bed.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles? I thought you were talking with Maris.

  Dr. Niles Crane : It's over. Let her marry Schenkman, they deserve each other.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I reached the front gate and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in, when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman through gates, through windows, through keyholes, and through transoms and... in one disastrous instance, through the pet door.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.

  Dr. Niles Crane : [on the verge of tears]  Well, I decided no more. I actually looked up at the house and said, "Goodbye, Maris. I hope you have a happy life, but I don't have to take anymore of your crap ever again!" And I turned on my heel and walked away.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That's a courageous decision. How do you feel?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Not bad, surprisingly. I'm glad I went over, I needed the closure. Now that it's over I feel a little sad of course, but also strangely liberated.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm very proud of you.

  [Frasier and Niles hug] 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Here's to the Crane boys - love's big losers.

  [Frasier, Niles and Martin clink their glasses and drink] 

• Daphne Moon : [answering the phone]  Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you. Yes he's here, hold on.

  Martin : [She passes the phone to Martin, and brings some tea to Frasier]  Hi. Really? No, I'm not busy, dinner sounds like fun.

  Daphne Moon : [to Frasier]  A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [sarcastic]  Yes, where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism which is credited to the great thinker Spinoza...

  Roz Doyle : Oh God...

• [Frasier, Niles and Martin are standing on the balcony of Frasier's apartment overlooking the Seattle skyline] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.

  Martin : Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Thousands! Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [shouting]  Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

  Martin : We're desperate!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : We're ludicrous!

  Dr. Niles Crane : We're pathetic!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Martin enters the apartment]  Oh Dad, you're back. How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?

  Martin : Oh great, fabulous. Right up until the time she introduced me to my date.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [confused]  I thought she was your date.

  Martin : So did I. Turns out my date was her mother. Eighty-six years young. I guess there was a little miscommunication when she invited me.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [slightly amused]  Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this: How was Mom?

  Martin : Well, she was very nice. Sleepy.

  [Frasier and Niles laugh] 

  Martin : But she smiled a lot, showed me pictures of her great-grandchildren. She couldn't remember any of their names, but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine either.

  [the three of them laugh] 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles has a breakdown in the middle of a group therapy session]  You know, perhaps now would be a good time to take our fifteen minute break, why don't we?

  [the patients start to leave the room] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : We've had quite a catharsis here. Now traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes well, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. The Crane men haven't had a great deal of success in the romance department lately. We're all a bit gun-shy.

  Daphne Moon : Ah yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky; you're all full of excuses. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar.

  Martin : Well, I could use a big something.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It hasn't been a good day all around.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Yeah, Dad, uh... Maris and I have split up for good.

  Martin : Oh, I'm sorry.

  Dr. Niles Crane : She-She's in love with someone else.

  Martin : Oh, Niles. You all right?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I will be.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier brings a bottle of Scotch along with three glasses, which he fills. He then hands glasses to Niles and Martin before taking one for himself]  Well, this may come as small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the alter once.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Please remember, no one is here to judge anyone else's behavior.

  [closes door and shouts at Niles] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Now, Niles, you're not thinking clearly. You're just grasping at straws.

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, no, you're wrong. I owe it to my marriage to give this just one more shot.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : How? What more could you possibly do?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I just need to talk to her alone. Try to make her realize what a mistake she's making.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, just bear one thing in mind...

  [Frasier follows Niles out of his office and shouts in earshot of the listening patients] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it!

  [Niles leaves. Frasier turns back to the patients, who are all staring at him, aghast] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, then... shall we resume?