Frasier (TV Series)

The Maris Counselor (1998)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Niles Crane : You know, I said I wanted closure, but I won't have it until I do one more thing...

  [He takes off his wedding ring and goes to the balcony] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, be careful, Niles, from this height that could hurt somebody.

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, all clear.

  [throws the ring and shouts] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!

  Martin : Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?

  [Niles looks down] 

  Martin : Whoa! Oh, well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.

• Dr. Niles Crane : In half an hour I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop!

  Dr. Niles Crane : I'm sorry, you'll have to look over the files yourself. You see, every Friday evening Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens. Invariably she comes inside randy as a stoat. Well tonight, she's going to find me, waiting in her bed, as randy as a... nother stoat.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Not true, not true, that's really what I wanted to tell you. Maris and I are back on the expressway to love! Well, if not the expressway, then at least the on-ramp.

• Dr. Niles Crane : And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh that's very flattering, Niles...

  Dr. Niles Crane : Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor. And he is nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am. It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. I-I don't know exactly what to call it.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : The words "Krazy Glue" leap to mind.

• Dr. Niles Crane : 15 years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.

  Martin : Geez, I didn't need to hear that!

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Hmm, a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?

  Dr. Niles Crane : The heat from her side of the bed.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles? I thought you were talking with Maris.

  Dr. Niles Crane : It's over. Let her marry Schenkman, they deserve each other.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I reached the front gate and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in, when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman through gates, through windows, through keyholes, and through transoms and... in one disastrous instance, through the pet door.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.

  Dr. Niles Crane : [on the verge of tears]  Well, I decided no more. I actually looked up at the house and said, "Goodbye, Maris. I hope you have a happy life, but I don't have to take anymore of your crap ever again!" And I turned on my heel and walked away.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That's a courageous decision. How do you feel?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Not bad, surprisingly. I'm glad I went over, I needed the closure. Now that it's over I feel a little sad of course, but also strangely liberated.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm very proud of you.

  [Frasier and Niles hug] 

• [Frasier, Niles and Martin are standing on the balcony of Frasier's apartment overlooking the Seattle skyline] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.

  Martin : Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Thousands! Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [shouting]  Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

  Martin : We're desperate!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : We're ludicrous!

  Dr. Niles Crane : We're pathetic!

• Dr. Schenkman : Bear with me. I'm sorry. I'm feeling.. I'm feeling a little stressed.

  Dr. Niles Crane : You're feeling stressed?

  Dr. Schenkman : Put yourself in my place.

  Dr. Niles Crane : I very nearly did!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar.

  Martin : Well, I could use a big something.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It hasn't been a good day all around.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Yeah, Dad, uh... Maris and I have split up for good.

  Martin : Oh, I'm sorry.

  Dr. Niles Crane : She-She's in love with someone else.

  Martin : Oh, Niles. You all right?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I will be.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier brings a bottle of Scotch along with three glasses, which he fills. He then hands glasses to Niles and Martin before taking one for himself]  Well, this may come as small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the alter once.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Now, Niles, you're not thinking clearly. You're just grasping at straws.

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, no, you're wrong. I owe it to my marriage to give this just one more shot.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : How? What more could you possibly do?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I just need to talk to her alone. Try to make her realize what a mistake she's making.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, just bear one thing in mind...

  [Frasier follows Niles out of his office and shouts in earshot of the listening patients] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it!

  [Niles leaves. Frasier turns back to the patients, who are all staring at him, aghast] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, then... shall we resume?

• Dr. Niles Crane : [upon discovering Dr. Schenkman in his bed]  Dr. Schenkman!

  Dr. Schenkman : Niles!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Dr. Schenkman, what the hell's going on?

  Dr. Schenkman : Well, it's not what it looks like.

  [He then gives a look of realization] 

  Dr. Schenkman : What am I saying?

  Dr. Niles Crane : [getting out of bed]  For God's sake!

  Dr. Schenkman : [also getting out of bed]  Bear with me, I'm sorry. I'm feeling-I'm feeling a little stressed.

  Dr. Niles Crane : You're feeling stressed?

  Dr. Schenkman : Put yourself in my place.

  Dr. Niles Crane : I very nearly did.