Frasier (TV Series)

The Maris Counselor (1998)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Dr. Niles Crane : You know, I said I wanted closure, but I won't have it until I do one more thing...

  [He takes off his wedding ring and goes to the balcony] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, be careful, Niles, from this height that could hurt somebody.

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, all clear.

  [throws the ring and shouts] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!

  Martin : Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?

  [Niles looks down] 

  Martin : Whoa! Oh, well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.

• Dr. Niles Crane : 15 years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.

  Martin : Geez, I didn't need to hear that!

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Hmm, a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?

  Dr. Niles Crane : The heat from her side of the bed.

• Daphne Moon : [answering the phone]  Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you. Yes he's here, hold on.

  Martin : [She passes the phone to Martin, and brings some tea to Frasier]  Hi. Really? No, I'm not busy, dinner sounds like fun.

  Daphne Moon : [to Frasier]  A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [sarcastic]  Yes, where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?

• [Frasier, Niles and Martin are standing on the balcony of Frasier's apartment overlooking the Seattle skyline] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.

  Martin : Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Thousands! Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [shouting]  Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

  Martin : We're desperate!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : We're ludicrous!

  Dr. Niles Crane : We're pathetic!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Martin enters the apartment]  Oh Dad, you're back. How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?

  Martin : Oh great, fabulous. Right up until the time she introduced me to my date.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [confused]  I thought she was your date.

  Martin : So did I. Turns out my date was her mother. Eighty-six years young. I guess there was a little miscommunication when she invited me.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [slightly amused]  Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this: How was Mom?

  Martin : Well, she was very nice. Sleepy.

  [Frasier and Niles laugh] 

  Martin : But she smiled a lot, showed me pictures of her great-grandchildren. She couldn't remember any of their names, but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine either.

  [the three of them laugh] 

• Martin : She's invited me to her place tomorrow night. I guess my little hard-to-get plan really paid off.

  Daphne Moon : Yes, you should really write a book; "How To Get A Date In Two Easy Years."

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar.

  Martin : Well, I could use a big something.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It hasn't been a good day all around.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Yeah, Dad, uh... Maris and I have split up for good.

  Martin : Oh, I'm sorry.

  Dr. Niles Crane : She-She's in love with someone else.

  Martin : Oh, Niles. You all right?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I will be.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier brings a bottle of Scotch along with three glasses, which he fills. He then hands glasses to Niles and Martin before taking one for himself]  Well, this may come as small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the alter once.