Friends (TV Series)

The One with the Fertility Test (2003)

Lisa Kudrow: Phoebe Buffay

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phoebe Buffay : [entering Joey and Chandler's apartment, Rachel and Monica are there]  Hey guys, look what I just got.

  [Phoebe shows them a pair of shoes] 

  Rachel Green : Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?

  Phoebe Buffay : I bought them off eBay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.

  Rachel Green : Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.

  Phoebe Buffay : Oh, then I overpaid.

• [Rachel exits through the glass doors just as Phoebe enters the Spa Reception] 

  Spa Receptionist : [politely]  Phoebe, your next client's in the Waiting Room.

  Phoebe Buffay : OK. Do we have to talk like that when they're not around?

  [the Spa Receptionist smiles, Phoebe looks towards the glass doors and sees Rachel who doesn't see her. Rachel takes a seat as Phoebe quickly turns around and gasps] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [concerned]  Oh. Ooh no-no-no. Listen... is there someone who can fill in for me?

  Spa Receptionist : [looks at the bookings]  Sorry. Everyone is booked.

  Phoebe Buffay : But that woman can't know that I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this... *big* stink about how awful these Massage Chains are.

  Spa Receptionist : Then why do you work here?

  Phoebe Buffay : 'Cause it's good money... that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil, blood-sucking cooperate machine.

  Spa Receptionist : [quite joyfully]  Well, I think this is a great place to work.

  Phoebe Buffay : [looks around and whispers]  OK. Are they listening?

• Rachel Green : [annoyed]  Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?

  Phoebe Buffay : [annoyed]  Because I was ashamed! OK? I sold out for the cash! And they give me benefits like medical, dental and a furrow wonk...

  [Rachel looks confused] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [annoyed]  But, you know, you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge and, and... punching a clock and oh... paying taxes!

  Rachel Green : [sympathetic and encouraging]  Phoebe honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now... and quit. Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I *so* admire that. I don't have any!

  Phoebe Buffay : You know what? You're right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back.

  Rachel Green : [Phoebe turns to leave]  Good for you Pheebs!

  Phoebe Buffay : OK.

  [Phoebe leaves the massage room, closes and door and stops] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [looks up and whispers]  If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you!

• [last lines] 

  Spa Receptionist : [politely]  Good morning Phoebe.

  Phoebe Buffay : [puts on a polite tone with a smile]  Good morning Receptionist.

  Spa Receptionist : [politely gives Phoebe a piece of paper]  Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room number one.

  Phoebe Buffay : [looks at the schedule]  Bu... Rachel Green? Son of a bitch! She came back?

  [Phoebe goes to room number one and opens the door slightly] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [calls inside with a Scottish accent]  Are ya ready for your Scottish massage? Put ya face in the hole lassie!

  [Phoebe enters the room and closes the door] 

• [Rachel is waiting for her massage, Phoebe opens the door slightly but moves back so Rachel doesn't see her] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [calls inside the room with a Swedish accent]  Hello ya. It's time for your massage, ya. Put-put your face in the hole.

  Rachel Green : [impressed]  Well, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person! Ha!

  Phoebe Buffay : [enters the room and slowly closes the door]  OK, then I'm Swedish.

• Phoebe Buffay : [annoyed that Rachel found out she worked at the Spa]  How can you come here?

  Rachel Green : [annoyed]  How could you not tell me you worked here?

  Phoebe Buffay : [defensively]  I don't have to tell you everything!

  Rachel Green : Yes you do if you're gonna make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!

  Phoebe Buffay : Tip's not included.

  Rachel Green : [hits the bed in frustration]  Oh!