- Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.
- Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!
- [at a shelter for homeless robots]
- Linda the Newsanchor: Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there'd have to be a lot of them.
- Dr. Zoidberg: What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb?
- [reads card]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Heh, heh. Instead of "Claus," he writes "Claws." Now that's humorous! Today's comedians could learn from this card.
- [singing]
- Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
- Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...
- Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move
- Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.
- Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!
- Conan O'Brien: Listen, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012, but I have one thing you'll never have: A SOUL.
- Bender: [Scoffs] Pffft.
- Conan O'Brien: And freckles.
- Bender: [Cries] WAHHH.
- Dr. Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? This I gotta see.
- Hermes Conrad: Listen, you filthy crab. A thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.
- Fry: Yup, I remember. They came last in the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
- Hermes Conrad: A true inspiration for the children.
- Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
- Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!
- [Bender is snowboarding]
- Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.
- Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass.
- [Fry and co. are being terrorized by the robot Santa Claus]
- Fry: Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you.
- Robot Santa: You *dare* bribe Santa. I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.
- Santa Claus Robot: I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts!
- Fry: All right, bird. You thought you could match me in a battle of wits, but you have just met your equal.
- Fry: [walks out of the pet store with the parrot he got Leela] Well I spent every penny I had, but Leela'a going to love you
- [the parrot squawks]
- Fry: Hey you're quite the talker aren't you?
- [the parrot squawks again]
- Fry: Shut the hell up!
- [the parrot bites his nose causing him to drop the cage and it gets out of the cage and flies away]
- Fry: Stupid bird, I know where you live!
- [points at the empty cage]
- Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [addressing Hermes] You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice Leela's a Cyclops.
- Hermes Conrad: Frys over the there, Mon!
- [Points in Fry's direction]
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh!
- Santa Claus Robot: Fry and Leela, you've both been very naughty! I checked my list!
- Fry: Well, check it twice!
- Santa Claus Robot: I perform over fifty mega-checks per second!
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
- Fry: Yeah!
- Leela: Great idea!
- Dr. Zoidberg: One can only hope.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [explaining why palm trees are used as Xmas trees] Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty.
- [disrobes, standing completely naked]
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah. Brisk.
- Conan O'Brien: So, people are getting worried about this Y2K problem, huh?
- Bender: No, they fixed it 900 years ago.
- Conan O'Brien: Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm walking to work this morning...
- Bender: I doubt it!
- [Fry and Leela are skiing]
- Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!
- Leela: Relax. Trees down.
- Automatic Trees: Trees down!
- [the trees lay down and disappear into the snow]
- Fry: Hey, cool! But what do you say if you want the trees up?
- Automatic Trees: Trees up!
- [a tree flips back up, scooping Fry into the air. As Leela skis on, Fry is jammed crotch-first onto the upraised tree]
- Fry: [strained voice] Trees down.
- Automatic Trees: Trees down!