The Goodies (TV Series)

Scotland (1971)

Stanley Baxter: Tourism Agent, Loch Ness Monster

Quotes 

• Tim Brooke-Taylor , Graeme Garden , Bill Oddie : [singing, trying to convince the tourist board agent they're Scottish]  Roamin' in the gloamin' on the bonny banks o' Clyde Roamin' in the gloamin' wi' my lassie by my side When the sun sinks in the west That's the time that I love best When oor boots are roamin' in the glo-ho-ho-hoamin'... och hoots!

  Tourism Agent : Y'must be English tourists...

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : [nervously]  What if the monster attacks us? What about self defense just in case... just in case it might attack us?

  Tourism Agent : Ah! That's a very good point, 'cause Nessie's a fearsome beastie when she's roused. But if she does attack you, just frighten her away. Mind you, it's no good shouting out "Boo!" because she's stone deaf.

  Tim Brooke-Taylor : How do we frighten her away, then?

  Tourism Agent : [Holds up sign that says "BOO!"]  You show her this!

• Tourism Agent : [after being charged with false advertising]  Well, the eggs! Where did you think I'd get eggs that size?

  Bill Oddie : They're fakes!

  Tourism Agent : They're not, they're not, they're NOT! He wouldn't pay five pounds for a fake egg!

  [to Tim, who just bought an egg earlier] 

  Tourism Agent : Would you?

  Graeme Garden : Oh yes he would! He only got O level biology!

• Tim Brooke-Taylor : How do we recognize the monster? What does it look like?

  Tourism Agent : Dinnae ask! Dinnae you ask me that! I only saw it the once - never again! Oh-ho, never again!

  Bill Oddie : Why, what happened?

  Tourism Agent : Well, it was like this, y'see. One night... one night I went down to the water for a wee peep. And I listen, and I hear nothin'. The birds have stopped chirpin'. The wind has dropped, and an eerie hush has fallen round about the loch. I looked across the water, and there I see it rising up from the deep - a great humpity back, a monstrous head with slaverin' jaws and great mottled bleary eyes starin' doon at me!

  Bill Oddie : [whimper]  I'm frightened...!

  Tourism Agent : And then I see the huge teeth on it - grindin' up a pair of wee cow that it's caught, and spatted out the bones like grape pips! There I stood, face to face, with the legendary monster of Loch Ness.

  [beat] 

  Tourism Agent : Of course, I could have been mistaken!

• Tourism Agent : Well, ye've come to the right place and at just the right time. The Monster season's just opened again.

  Graeme Garden : Oh yes?

  Tourism Agent : Uh-huh. Now, you'll be needin' your monster fishin' permit, so that'll be five pounds for the week. In advance, if ye dinnae mind.

• Tourism Agent : Well, good huntin' gentlemen, and the best of English luck to ye!

• Tourism Agent : It'll probably start roarin' any minute now...

  [puts on a record of a droning sound] 

  Tourism Agent : Oh! Oh, there it goes!

  Bill Oddie : That's a record!

  Tourism Agent : No it isn't!

  Graeme Garden : Yes it is!

  Tourism Agent : Well, even if it is, how did I record it? That's a genuine monster's roar!

  Graeme Garden : No it's not! That's a kitten slowed down!

  [Speeds up the record player and the droning sound turns into meowing]