- Oliver Wendell Douglass: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when the Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and he says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'
- Doris Ziffel: Mrs. Douglas came over here this afternoon and wanted to know how to make a fruitcake. And it's been so long since I made one, I had to look up the recipe.
- Fred Ziffel: Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr. Douglas?
- Doris Ziffel: She sure is.
- Fred Ziffel: Doris, that could make you an accessory to manslaughter.
- Lisa Douglas: What shall I do with the corns I strung for you?
- Oliver Douglas: Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.
- Lisa Douglas: Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.
- Oliver Douglas: Caviar?
- Lisa Douglas: We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...
- Oliver Douglas: Oh, for...
- Lisa Douglas: And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'
- Eb Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!
- Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?
- Eb Dawson: [about Oliver] I've never seen him so mad! His face was red, his ears were red, his lips were red. He looked like a stuck traffic signal.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop beating around the bush and give me my permit!
- Hank Kimball: Yes sir. You want a Bush Beating permit.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I want a tree chopping permit.