- Lisa Douglas: [the "Written by" credit appears on-screen] Oliver! Whose names are those? Oliver!
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: Over here by the barn!
- [the "Directed by" credit appears]
- Lisa Douglas: Oliver! When I came out of the house, there were lots of names in front of me.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, there were some in front of me, too.
- Hank Kimball: Arnold Ziffel...
- FBI Agent #2: Is the name familiar?
- Hank Kimball: No, the name is Kimball. Hank Kimball.
- Lisa Douglas: I think Ralph was a little sad because they wouldn't take her in the army.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: She's still got the navy and the marines, good night.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: These gentlemen are from the FBI.
- Hank Kimball: Oh... I'm with the Department of Agriculture. Heh Heh. Guess that sort of makes us, eh, sister-officers, huh? Well not sisters, eh, brothers. Although we're not really related. Or maybe we are? I...
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: [interrupting] Mr. Kimball, I wonder if you could help us?
- Hank Kimball: Certainly. Always ready to help out a brother-sister. Eh, sister-fellow. Eh, can I see your credentials please?
- Doris Ziffel: [holding up a see-through negligé] Mrs. Douglas gave it to me.
- Fred Ziffel: No wonder, it's full of holes!
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, is there anybody here in authority?
- Sergeant: You kidding, Mac?
- [points at the rank on his sleeve]